Sex Sells, People!

I'm going for broke!

Ready?

Now, not only am I on Match from Hell and Plenty of Crap, but now I just signed up on another free dating website called OK Cupid,  Why? Because a guy that I became friends with on Plenty of Crap said I was "slumming it" being on there - meaning there were better people on OK Cupid.

Fine.

So, I checked out the website, liked it, and decided that this time I'm using a different angle.

Less is more, people!  

And, sex sells!

When it comes to men (who we all know are visual creatures) that it's best not to spell out too much, because when you do, you don't leave enough room for questions.  Besides, isn't the fun part of getting to know someone asking questions?

So, I decided that I'm going to be a complete mystery, and I'm only going to post three pictures on my profile.  Very sexy pictures, but nothing trashy. Here is just one of them:

Because we all know that trashy is never cute.

So far, the inquiries are POURING IN!  Woo-hoo!   There's a lot of men in the Boston area that are interested... And, it's about damn time, because it's been like pulling teeth trying to get a damn date from anyone on Match from Hell!!!  

On OKCupid, there are different questions  on your profile that you can answer.  For example, in the "I'm really good at" section, I listed the following:

~Kissing

~Driving a 6-speed

~Kissing

~Mini-golf

~Kissing

~Dancing

~Kissing

Yup, I'm a baaaaad girl.....SO, HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS, because this is going to be fun!

Let's see if my little experiment works!

MEOW!

~Carrie

No More Older Guys, Please!

So, that's it.  No more older guys.  I'm done.  Two unsuccessful dates in a row, one with Mr. Vermont and the other with Finance Guy.  Both of them were 47-years old.  I'm done.  Look,  I realize that 47 is within my age bracket, but they both just seem so much older than me.  They looked older than me.  They act older than me.  I'm silly!  I'm fun!  I think I just want someone younger...

I know I come from a good gene pool, because both me and my brother look younger than what we actually are - and oh, God, please don't let him tell you he's my younger brother, which he loves to do, because he is definitely older!

Somehow, both Nathan and I have managed to age without any wrinkles so far - probably, because we both have stayed out of the sun.  For me, it's because the sun doesn't like me.  My makeup even has SPF15 in it - I use Prescriptives Flawless Skin, which is is my secret weapon,  plus I also put sunscreen on my face if I know I will be spending any length of time outside.

So far, so good.

My brother has stayed out of the sun, too!  But not on purpose, like his sister.  He's a
vampire
bar owner/bartender, so he lives mostly at night.

No sun =  No wrinkles.

(Now if we can only do something about his salt & pepper hair....)

+

 

*contemplating*

Nawwww....

Where was I?  Oh, yes...dating older guys.  Ya, I'm over it.  For me, I base my attraction from this simple, yet effective, question: "Can I see myself kissing him?"  And, often, when it comes to guys who are older than me - the answer is a big, fat NO!  Although, to me, older men are appealing, because they are usually more established and they know who they are. Most importantly, they know what they want.  Younger guys get easily distracted, if they have more than one woman interested in them.

Uhg!  What do I know...I'll probably be eating my words soon - like I always do.

Whatever.

I hate to put any restrictions on my dating but, right now, this is how I feel.

~Carrie

PS:  My gut tells me that I'll probably be eating my words soon...like I always do.

That's NOT How You Kiss!

MR. VT:  Correct me if I'm wrong...but I get the feeling that I'm not a "match" for you?

I figured if the man had the guts to ask that sort of question, then he deserved an honest answer.

CARRIE:  Yes, you are correct.  I have been struggling with the fact that I really like you, but I'm not feeling the "zing."  I was going to tell you tonight after you got out of work.  *sad face*

MR. VT:  No problem!  Good luck to you, Carrie.  It was really nice to have met you. :-)

CARRIE:  I'm sooooooooo sorry.  This is the part about dating I really hate and I certainly didn't want to do this by text!  I want you to know that you have renewed my faith that there are still good men out there!

MR. VT:  I can always use a good friend...so feel free to stay in touch!

And that my friends, is how you break it off with someone!  The key is to be honest and gracious.  The truth may sting, but it's necessary because nobody likes to be left hanging.

Right?

Later that day, I was writing in my favorite corner, at the Shaskeen, when I got a text from someone who I thought had blown me off: Finance Guy.  Why that nickname?  Well, from what he wrote...it was obvious he was a finance guy!

"I liked your profile...sounds like you love travel like me. I'm from Danvers, MA but I am actually staying in Laconia NH while I ponder living in Boston, Manchester NH....or New York, City. I returned from Asia two months ago (spent 10 months living in Singapore and Shanghai on a semi-sabbatical from real life) and before that was in technology investment banking.  I've lived in NYC before (law school at Columbia and now a grad degree from NYU) and if I do choose to live in Boston or Manchester, I will probably buy a place in NYC anyway, because I love visiting my friends there.  I ran my own firm for 7 years before my break and made some successful investments. I've got a great family too and most of them are spread between northern mass and southern nh."

That, by the way, was his introduction and first email to me.  Talking about a sales pitch!

He intrigued me, so we went back and forth with a few emails, but once I went off to my 10-day trip to Florida, all communication ceased! I got nothing from him, except he asked to let him know when I was back from my trip.

Really?

That confused me.  Wasn't it obvious that I was a hot commodity on the market?  Hello, Finance Guy...tall, smart, pretty redhead, never married, no kids.  If you asked me, I would think that's a pretty rare find these days. I'm sorry, are people like me really that abundant?  How could he not realize that another guy could easily come by in a ten-day span and capture my attention?  Which, by the way, is exactly what happened - Mr. Vermont came into the picture and stole the show, until, as we all know, I met him in person and I didn't feel the pull.  Friendship, yes, but I didn't feel like I wanted to kiss him. So, that was a no-go.

So, there I was, sitting there in my corner surprised to see a text from Finance Guy.  But, really, after what I've been through over the past few years, nothing surprises me anymore.  Screw it. I'm just going to go with the flow...

FINANCE GUY:  What are you up to?

CARRIE:  I'm in my cubicle at the Shaskeen, writing.  You?

FINANCE GUY:  I'm driving by your town right now, do you want me to stop by so we can meet? I have to meet my brother at 7:30pm, so I can't stay long.

CARRIE:  Of course!

FINANCE GUY:  OK, I'll be there in 15 minutes.

I grab my purse and make a mad dash into the Lady's Room to freshen up. My face looked a little dewy the summer humidity, but it looked fresh - glowing even!  However, my mane of red hair was having it's own frizz-fest. I knew I couldn't do anything about it - it was just going to have to do.

Walking back to my corner in the bar I pass Megan, the bartender, a fellow road-grimy single female like myself.

"You are not going to believe this," I tell her, "I'm meeting another guy here in ten minutes!"

I sit down and try to keep working, but we all know that wasn't going to happen...

A few minutes later, he walks into the Shaskeen.  The first thing I notice was his build.  Six-foot-two and 47-years old...wow, lookin' pretty damn good for his age!  I noticed he had a very square face - typical Irish features - oh, and very short hair and blue eyes and, of course, big man hands...

I'm interested!

We sit down at a table and we both order a Harpoon UFO - my favorite.  The conversation was flowing and the attraction was mutual.

Nathan arrives for work and came over to say hello to me. I introduce him to my date and they ended up having a brief conversation.  Nathan is good like that - he's always gracious and eager to talk with anyone who walks into his bar.  (Personally, I really think he should run for mayor, because he'd definitely win.)

A half hour later, Finance Guy announces he has to leave.  It was an awkward moment as we stood there.  Do we shake hands?  Do I hug him?  I could tell he wanted to hug me, but he hesitated and said, sounding a little panicked while looking over his shoulder at Nathan, "Your brother is over there."

Coyly, I replied, "So what! He's not looking now," and gave him a kiss on the check.

Three days later we meet in Boston for a drink.  Boston!  I had not visited the city in years, so I was really excited to be there.

We meet at the Westin Hotel bar. H was staying at the hotel because he was flying to Washington DC, out of Logan Airport, the following morning to go pick up his two kids for a week.  Our plan was originally to have a drink in the lounge and then go see The Beehive to watch some live music, but our conversations just kept going, so we ended up staying at the bar.

Two beers and three hours later, he invited me to his hotel room for a glass of wine. I knew he just wanted to get me to his room so he could kiss me. So, I agreed but, only on one condition - that he behaved himself!

Shortly after he poured the wine, he went for the kiss.  Slowing he came over to me, bringing his mouth up to mine and then stuck his whole entire friggin' tongue in my mouth! Making things worse (I know...what can be worse that that?) is the fact that at the same time he was shoving his huge tongue in my mouth, instinctively I had reached around his 6'2" frame and put my hand on his back - only to feel something crunchy under my hand. It was a double whammy! Oh, God noooooo...!!!!!

Pulling back, I gently said to him, "Can you please not use your tongue?" and then proceeded to try to kiss him, thinking that, maybe, I could show him how to kiss properly...

Fat chance.  It was a hopeless case, and the fact was, I was so grossed out by the fact that my hand touched what might have been a very hairy back just pushed me past the point of no return. The sirens and fire alarms were all going off in my head.

"Please step away from the man and find the nearest exit.  Carrie, this is an emergency. Please find the nearest exit and leave.  Do not walk - run!"

Look, there is hair on a man's back, which, hey, some men have it - and then there is this guy's back!  I was horrified. No, I was horrified, grossed out, and dumb-founded at the same time. How in the world could this man have been married for ten years.  Ten years?! I couldn't even get past the first kiss with him!  Never mind shacking up with him for ten long years!

Trying to be cool and not show my utter disgust, I left, but he insisted on walking me to my car, which was in the garage a few blocks away from the hotel.

It was raining, so once we got to my car I told him that I would give him a ride back.

I know, I can't help myself...I'm too freaking nice...even after someone shoves their whole tongue in my mouth.

Ick! Ick! Ick!

I drove up to the garage exit and the automated parking attendant says I owe $30. Thirty dollars! And wouldn't you know, Finance Guy...yes, that's right, Mr. I Shit Money...didn't even reach for his wallet.

So, I'm out of money and I get assaulted by his nasty tongue...God has a HORRIBLE sense of humor!  I'm pissed and grossed out all at the same time.

The ride home felt like an eternity, because all I could think about was how much I wanted to wash my mouth out with Listerine, and of course, lucky me, I didn't even have a bottle of water in my car or even one measly stick of gum.  Nothing!  I even dug to the depths of my purse and searched all four corners, hoping to find something.

Something.

Anything!

Seriously, if I had found a used wad of gum stuck inside a crumpled-up wrapper that had been there for months, I would have popped that sucker right in my mouth!  And chewed it like it was the freshest piece of gum I had ever tasted!

Gladly!

But,why would I have such luck?  Oh, no...lesson learned:  Never, under any circumstances, leave the house without gum.  Ever.

The following day I told Beth about my horrific date.

CARRIE:  Can I break up with him via text?

BETH:  Yes.

CARRIE:  Sweet!  :D

BETH:  What are you going to say?

CARRIE:  "Although I really enjoyed our first date, I don't feel as though the chemistry is there for me to go on a 2nd date..."

BETH:  Oh - that's perfect.

CARRIE:  "....because you don't know how to kiss, and you shoved your big NASTY tongue in my mouth and it MADE ME WANT TO VOMIT."

BETH:  STOP!  Now I gotta vomit!

Next time a guy decides to shove his tongue in my mouth like that, I'm taking my friend Lisa's advice and I'm just going to bite the thing off!

Gross!


Next! Next! Next!

Don't Show Up To a Gun Fight with a Stapler

CHRIS:  How did your date go?

ME:  Well, as predicted...he was super great guy, but no spark.  Even after having 2.5 glasses of wine, I still didn't feel like I wanted to kiss him.  And now, he's totally enamored with me!

CHRIS:  Wow, that's too bad.  Not even a pity kiss...poor guy.

ME:  He showed up in a short-sleeve plaid shirt.  He looked like something out of a JC Penny catalog.  :(

CHRIS:  The poor sap, didn't have a chance... He showed up to a gun fight with a stapler.

ME:  I think he's already planning our future together...and I'm so not feeling it.  I HATE DATING!

Indeed, Mr. Vermont was great.  He was good looking (for his age), established, and knew how to court a girl!  You could tell he was new to the dating scene, because he didn't hold back about how he felt about me.

MR. VT:  How did I get so lucky? You are the complete package...everything I desire...and more.  :)

ME:  Awwwww...thank you!  I always thought guys who didn't get me were big, stupid faces - BIG!  But, thank you for noticing...!  You are a great guy, I'm surprised someone hasn't scooped you up yet.

MR. VT:  Some have tried, but honestly, I have been looking for you...

ME:  *falls out of chair*

MR. VT:  Wish I was there to scoop you up...

He just did everything right from the start and really knew how to make me smile.  It was the simple things like sending me a text in the middle of the day just to let me know he was thinking about me.  Nothing over the top. He was just thoughtful and sweet. He even took down his profile from Match from Hell before we met and told me that he just wanted to focus on me - and then he gave me his home phone number!  Who does that?!  But, it was so nice!  Refreshing to be pursued by someone who knew what he wanted from the start.

We were corresponding on Match from Hell while I was still on my Florida 10-day trip with Beth (which, by the way, was SO much better than going to DC for three days!).  Mr. Vermont and I both agreed that we wanted to meet as soon as I got back.  However, it was decided that he was going to have to wait, because even though I was flying in late on a Friday night, Saturday I was busy with my girlfriends, and Sunday he had plans with his kids for Father's Day, so meeting during the weekend was out.  I left it up to him to pick a day during the week and, without hesitating, he said, "How about Monday night?!"

ME:  Do you want me to meet you half way? It is a 1.5 hour ride...

MR. VT:  I'll go the whole way.  You know the area over there.  Pick a nice place for dinner, and I'll meet you there.

What?  He was going to drive to me?  For once, I didn't have to go out of my way to meet someone? For once?!

*adds 5 points to score card*

I was looking forward to meeting him, although I knew I wasn't feeling the same excitement as I did when I first met DC Dude.  But, I was tired of the bad boys and just really wanted to give a good guy a chance.

Saturday comes and a few of the girls from the Hen House rally to meet up for drinks and appetizers. I was feeling extra Kitty-Kitty, Meow-Meow!  I just had my hair done, and just came back from Florida, and for once, I had a little color on my skin. (That SPF70 really does work!) High heels and my Victoria Secrets halter top added the finishing touches, but my top was squeezing the girls a bit (I blamed the clothes dryer), so decided to tie my cashmere cardigan around my neck, remembering that I only wanted good attention and not the bad attention. As usual, I was going for the classy, but sexy look.  

We get to the first bar, it's just four of us girls.  I knew it was going to be a great night, because Julie had me laughing even before I ordered my first drink.  We sat down and at a table and DC Dude's name came up.  I was well into my first drink.

"Why do boys send penis pictures, when they know we will be sharing the photo with everyone?  Check this out."  DC Dude and I were over, and had no allegiance to him anymore, so I brought up the one x-rated photo I had in my phone and showed it to the girls.

Julie asked, "WHO is that?!"

"It's DC Dude."

"Oh, my God!  It's like the Washington Monument!"

*Insert hysterical laughter here*

Then one of the other girls announces that she actually had a folder on her phone for all of the penis pictures she used to get.

*Insert more hysterical laughter here*

We have another round of drinks and ordered appetizers before we headed over to my brother's bar.

It was a good crowd at The Shaskeen and we got prime real estate, front and center of the bar.  Even though the bar was busy and Nathan was busy serving up drinks, as soon as he spotted me, he threw down his towel and walked around the end of the bar, through the the crowd, came over me and gave me a big hug.

Code!

Nathan served us our drinks and we carried on with our fun.

I had been texting Mr. Vermont all night long, until I spotted two very tall guys walk into the bar. One of them was Rachel's 27-year old cousin from Boston, and the other one was his friend. The first thing out of the cousin's mouth was, "I'm so drunk!"

Really?  The bad-girl side of me came out...hmmm....

*twisting tip of my sinister mustache*

Even with my high-heels on, they were still taller than me. (Oh, my!)  Both of them had just come back from dancing and drinking at a club.  I could tell they were both really wound up!

Look, this was a no-brainer.  Boston Boy kept talking and flirting with me.  I felt so much "zing" with him, that I tossed my phone into my purse - and from there on out, it was all about Boston Boy!

For the record, I normally ignore stupid-face drunk boys, but Boston Boy was making the moves on me, big time, and was full of the devil. He just wouldn't let me be...and who could blame him?

And, because we were standing at the bar, Nathan got to witness Boston Boy invade my personal space over and over.  (Poor guy.)  I'll admit that the boy had game...you know how it is, when a guy knows just how to put his hand on your hip, and knows how to lean in - just enough - to say something in your ear, but then his lips end up oh-so close to yours?

*fanning myself*

Well, it was like that!  Boston Boy was doing a good job at pushing my buttons and, apparently, pushing the envelope with Nathan, because, all of a sudden, I heard Nathan roaring behind me, "Hey Carrie! Do I have to remind your friend whose house he's in?!"

Oops!  I turned back to my drunk Boston Boy, "That guy behind the bar...well, he owns this place...

"I don't care..." as he stared at my mouth leaning in to kiss me.

"Well, he's also my brother! So, behave!"

"I don't care who he is. Can I kiss you?  I want to kiss you..."

I smiled and pushed him away from me, "Not if you value your life!"

I sat down on the bar stool hoping that crossing my legs in front of him might put some much needed space between us.  (At least until we left my brother's bar!)

Our two girlfriends left, so it was just me, Rachel, her cousin and Boston Boy.  At closing time, we all walked out of the bar together.  The guys were talking about going to get something to eat because they were starving.  All I could think about was getting out of Nathan's red zone, which I estimated was about twenty feet or so from the entrance of The Shaskeen. As soon as I thought we were at a safe distance, I stopped Boston Boy, and gave him a long, passionate kiss.  Enough was enough - the electricity between us was too hard to ignore anymore!  He wasn't one of Nathan's friends, so he was fair game!  It was on!  And you know what?  That drunken train-wreck was a damn good kisser!

*GONG!*

Everyone piled into Red Rocket and we drove off to the Airport Diner to get something to eat. Those boys needed to sober up!

Sitting in a booth at the dinner,  I happily snuggled up next to Boston Boy who had his great man-hands in mine. (You know I'm real particular about a man's hands!) But, poor Rachel sat there teasing me as she pouted about the fact that the only boy that was left to flirt with was her very good-looking cousin sitting next to her.  It didn't help that Boston Boy kept kissing me in front of them...but again, I could care less at that point!  He was a damn good kisser!  Kiss on, Boston Boy! Kiss on!

Breakfast with the Boston Boy and Rachel's cousin was pure entertainment.  They both had us rolling with laughter.  Even our waitress kept doubling over, bursting with laughter every time she came over to our table.

On the ride home, Rachel offered for all of us to crash at her place.  Her cousin got the couch and Boston Boy and I got her son's twin bed.  While Rachel was trying to be hospitable, she realized that her kid's bed was going to be used for something other than sleeping. I didn't care. I had a hot guy and I had condoms in my purse! (And to think I have friends who laugh at me because I carry condoms with me all the time...Ha!)

It took me about 5 seconds to make the decision to spend the night. I decided even good girls need to be bad every once in a while!  And who was I to say no to his 6'3" hard-body and thick Boston accent?????

 And a tattoo!  I love surprises!

And, in the middle of the night, I remember asking myself, "Why am I not doing this more often?!!!!!"  It was a good question I really needed to ponder at a later time.  And, despite the small twin bed, Boston Boy and I made it work...and then we made it work again in the morning.

*Cheshire cat grin*

ME:  OMG...what a great night! He was great!  He knew how to push my buttons.  Crazy fucker...and of course, I didn't do any "Princess" maintenance in weeks!  Months!

RACHEL:  OMG!  My kid's bed!  Gross!

ME:  Well, at least I made sure to throw away the used condoms!  And wrapper... Can you imagine if your kid found it?  "Mommy..what's this?"  LMAO!  I'm sorry, but that's funny!

RACHEL:  I'm grossed out!  I'm washing the sheets now - do I have to worry about any stuffed animals?

ME:  No, the stuffed animals were left alone!  LOL!  What a great way to start my summer.  It was his damn Boston accent that did me in! I'm such a sucker for it. I felt like I was in a Ben Affleck and Matt Damon movie!

Two days later, I met 47-year old Mr. Vermont for dinner.  I knew in the back of my head that going from a hot 27-year old to a 47-year old was a long shot, but I was determined to give nice-guy Mr. Vermont a chance.

Monday night, we met at 6:30pm at Fire Fly, but when I first saw him, I felt no zing.  It was flat.  He showed up wearing khaki's and a short-sleeved plaid summer shirt.  Was it wishful thinking to hope that, maybe, Mr. VT might have a little swagger?  Maybe I would feel different after a glass of wine...

Dinner was great, the conversation flowed and even though "the girls" were showing, I never caught him looking at them the whole night. Not once.

We drank a whole bottle of Merlot, which usually turns me into the "Kissing Bandit," but I still didn't feel anything.  Not one single urge to kiss him. Nadda. So, all he got at the end of the night was a hug.

After my date, I went to The Shaskeen.  I really needed to pee before I drove home, so I stopped in, hoping that I could seek some council with Nathan, but he wasn't there.  Instead, I spotted Megs, one the of the bartenders, sitting outside on the patio with her friends.

"How did your date go with Mr. Vermont?"

"It was great.  He's great.  But I think my little romp with Boston Boy on Saturday night killed any chance Mr. Vermont might have had.  Megs, Mr. Vermont looked like he just walked out of a JC Penny catalog!  Short-sleeved plaid shirt and khaki's!  Look at me!" I said, pointing to myself while I stood there in my sexy black high-heels and pencil skirt. "Why can't I find someone between crazy, train-wreck Boston Boy and super-nice, plaid shirt Mr. Vermont guy?!!!  Why?!"

*big lip*

The following day, I text Julie:

ME:  I think I'm broken.  Mr. VT is such a nice, normal guy and I feel nothing for him.  But, give me crazy, train-wreck dude from Boston, and I'm totally hot for him!  WTF?!

JULIE:  Vermont is just that - normal, nice, regular, comfortable.  You thrive in huge lights and wild times that are spontaneous - wine 'em, dine 'em....69 'em.

ME:  You got that right!  LMAO...

I definitely need to reconsider my summer dating game plan...

Take That, Miss Neon Big Boobs!

Beth and I are at the West Palm Beach airport in Florida leaving after a fabulous 10-day vacation together.  We were walking around inside the airport, trying to decide where to eat, because we both were starving and had time to kill before our flights took off to go back home.

As I was putting down my bags at a table, a blond girl, who was about 5’4”, caught my eye - actually, she was the size of a gnome, compared my 5'11" frame.  Wait - correction, she didn't catch my eye - you couldn’t miss her!  But, I think that was the point, she had obviously mastered the stripperesque look with her long, blond hair and her tight, neon-pink tank-top with a boob job, so big, that it looked like two massive Macy's Day Parade globular balloons floating right under her chin, (minus the men holding the lead ropes on the ground).  Seriously, she put Pam Anderson to shame...

Amazing! How does a girl decide to have giant-sized watermelons for boobs, without realizing she is limiting herself on her clothes selection for the rest of her life?  I mean, I'm O'natural and I even I get frustrated, because I can't wear button-down shirts anymore.  She must wake up in the morning afternoon and pick between the pink neon spandex tank-top and her lime-green neon tank-top.  Yuck...Spandex...her only option.  I guess her Mamma tell her that synthetics don't breathe and will make her sweat.  Stupid girl. Great choice for summer clothing.

She was indeed a spectacle, and if her main purpose in life was to bring attention to herself, well then, she definitely had succeeded!  Bravo! All she needed was a itsy-bitsy doggie under her arm, and she would have fit right into Pink's video "Stupid Girls."   (Pink, she's another one who definitely wouldn't be running for President...sorry, girl.)

Beth was at the Starbuck's counter checking out their food selection, so I stood by our bags and casually looked around to see if anyone else had noticed Miss Neon Big Boobs.  Actually, everyone had stopped to stare - even the guy sitting across from me had stopped eating, just so he could watch her walk away from her table.

(Remarks in PINK are Beth's editing comments to me - again, too funny to omit.)

When Beth came back to our table, she obviously saw what I had seen, because she didn't even have to say anything - she just gave me a nod. I HAD WHIPLASH, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE I LOVE A SPECTACLE IN NEON SPANDEX...ALWAYS HAVE...ALWAYS WILL.

Here we were, both well-dressed for our flight - conservative, but still meow-meow.  Both of us have agreed in the past that it's important to dress age-appropriate and elegant, but still keep a little edge.  After all, you never know who you might at the airport...or anywhere, for that matter!

*DING!*

Speaking of...this is a true story!  I was flying from Nashville to Los Angeles.  It was summer time, so I decided to wear my pretty, navy-blue, A-lined dress that was very Jackie O.  I even wore black, over-sized sunglasses.  I definitely stood out - but in the right way.  (My grandmother would have been proud.)

Ok, so maybe my dress was a tinsy bit tighter and probably shorter - but the girls were covered!

I board the plane, say hello to the flight attendants, and sashay myself down the aisle, only to find, sitting next to my window seat, a very large, over-weight man trying to squeeze himself into the middle seat. Geeze! Just my luck!  This is going to be a long flight...

By the time I had arranged my giraffe legs around my bag in front of me, and clicked my seat-belt together, I noticed a male flight attendant handing me a folded napkin.  I took the napkin, and without saying anything to me, he walked away.

I gave the man sitting next to me an uncomfortable smile, not knowing what was going on. Slowly, I opened the napkin, which read, "3A."

It took a few minutes for it to register in my head what "3A" meant.  Then it finally dawned on me.  Holy crap!  There is a God!  Sweet Jesus, I just got upgraded to first class!

Gloating over my change of luck, I was hard not to wave the napkin over my head and scream at the top of my lungs, like I had just won the lottery. Instead, I tried as best I could to contain my excitement and turned to the man sitting next to me, I happily announced, "Excuse me, sir, I'm in the wrong seat!"

Flying first class was fabulous.  I had plenty of room, and I drank for free.  The cutie-pie flight attendant kept me company the whole flight and he even sent me home with a bottle of wine!  All that because I put effort into dressing like a lady...with an edge, of course!

*DING!*

“Her parents must be really proud,” Beth says.  Everyone around us had noticed Miss Neon Big Boobs. To make matters worse, she was holding a stuffed animal and her back-pack had “Playboy” on it.  Yes indeed, her parents must be really proud. UNLESS HER MOM IS SOON TO BE ONE OF THE "HOUSEWIVES OF WEST PALM BEACH"...THEN SHE WOULD BE HAPPY!

Disgusted, Beth and I walk up to the short line at Starbucks and, as I was reading the menu up on the bulletin board, the 60-something year-old man standing in front of us turned around to look at us.  First, he looked at Beth and then he looked at me.

“Be still my beating heart.”

"Oh my gosh!  Thank you, so much.  That was very sweet of you to say."  Totally surprised at this gentleman's words, I turned to Beth with a big smile on my face - she just smiled back at me.  He just proved our point.

I could tell he was caught up in his own thoughts.  Maybe he was remembering a time when women still cared about their appearance and men sought after them for their beauty and grace - a time that seemed to be long gone these days...

As he grabbed his items off the counter and turned to us again, his last words were, "The perfect picture of elegance."

At that moment, I felt my grandmother smiling down at me from Heaven, and I knew my parents would have been proud. SCORE A WIN FOR THE NATURAL FIBER GIRLS...AND "THE GIRLS" IN NATURAL FIBER...ALWAYS IN STYLE!

(I love this video - Pink is my hero for writing this song!!!)

DC Dude: Part 6

(Continued from DC Dude: Part 5)

Did you really think that the last blog on DC Dude would be the last?

Well, it's not  - clearly, because here I am...writing...part SIX!

After spending hours writing Part 5, I realized that I had left no room for discourse with DC Dude - I just went at him.  I wasn't asking questions - I just assumed I knew everything and started blasting him.  I came to this realization after writing and re-writing the blog. After I was done editing it, I sounded like a crazy, bitter girl, which I am not. I was just frustrated with his lack of communication.  

I felt horrible for the tone I had used.  Where was the kind, loving girl that my grandmother had raised me to be?  I had no idea what was going on in his world and what did I have to lose by reaching out to him with an apology and telling him how I really felt?  My gut was telling me to go for it.

Carrie:  As hard as I try...

Carrie:  I can't stop thinking about you.  That's the truth.  Yes, I miss you.  And, I shouldn't have come across the way I did - I hope you can understand why - I was just so frustrated with you.

DC Dude:  Good.  Think of you as well.  Forgiven.

Carrie:  LOL...I haven't apologized yet!

Carrie:  I know I should be calling you rather than texting, but I have a hard time actually saying things sometimes.  Scary for me... So I'm going to be a chicken shit and just text you, OK?  First, is this a good time or are you busy?

DC Dude:  Ya ya.  OK.

Carrie:  ...and crappy signal at my mom's house!  Ya!  That's it!  That's why I have to text!

DC Dude:  OK #2

Carrie:  Great...now there's an awful feeling in my stomach and I'm drawing a blank...

DC Dude:  Ugh.  Try counting backwards from 50 to 0.

Carrie:  Hell, I think I'm going to barf.  Watery mouth, etc. ...NO!  Dammit.  I can do this *mumbles expletive*

DC Dude:  The word is "FUCK."

Carrie:  Yes, that "F" word that I try not to use..thank you very much...

Carrie:  There are some things that I'm very confident about...and then there are some things that I'm not.  You have thrown me off so many times, but I keep coming back to what my gut tells me...  For me, to like you on any level is hard, because I feel that you have already rejected me once...and who the "F" does that?

Carrie:  50, 49, 48, 47, 46, 45....

Carrie:  44, 43, 42...

DC Dude:  Enough.

Carrie:  This doesn't work - this counting thing.

DC Dude:  Hell no.

Carrie:  OK, you really need to work on elaborating and use longer sentences.  Using just one or two words can easily be misconstrued.

DC Dude:  Then call.

So I did, and we ended up talking for over an hour.  I finally got it off my chest about how I really felt about him, and that I didn't believe that our September run-in was a coincidence.  I told him that I wasn't looking for meaningless sex; I wanted intimacy. And, in order to have intimacy, I needed chemistry, which I felt that I had with him. I missed him, and our conversations.  And finally, I said I didn't think it was fair to try to date other guys, when I knew I was stuck on him. I proposed that we start over.  

He was definitely surprised at my phone call, because, if you remember, the last thing I said to him was to leave me the *bleep* alone.   At the end of our conversation he told me he would seriously think about everything I had said.  I had read Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus before, so I figured he just needed to go into his cave and think about things, although it wasn't the reply I was hoping for.

In my mind, and in my heart, I just wanted to come clean.  I just needed to know - was there real chemistry between us or not?  I knew I wasn't going to find out unless I gave it my best shot and that I laid out all my cards.  I wanted to follow my own advice about getting what you give.  I knew we weren't going to get anywhere unless I showed him I was willing to put some effort in.

After our talk, I switched up my game plan. I started texting less, and calling more. If I wanted to talk to him, I didn't wait for his call; I called him.  I noticed our conversations slowly started to flow again.  He shared with me that after almost a year of struggling financially, he was finally back on his feet again because he had started a new company.  I was genuinely happy for him.

At the end of April, we made plans to see each other. We would do a long weekend together:Thursday to Monday.

But, it seemed as though as soon as I booked my flight, he stopped calling and stopped returning my texts.  Never a good sign.  

Two weeks before my trip, I called to touch base.  He answered the phone and said he was on vacation with his father in Florida.  Oh, really?!  That was news to me. He was standing at a loud bar in the middle of the day and we couldn't hear each other very well, so he said he would call me later in the week.  Really?  Later in the week?  It was only Friday afternoon....

Again, not a good sign.

The week came and went and guess what? No call from DC Dude.  This was not looking good, but I was determined to just keep even-keeled and not jump to conclusions. 


Ten days later, and just a few days before I was scheduled to fly down to see him, I called DC Dude to make sure we were still on. He answered my call sounding flustered and said he would call me back later, as he was walking into church (at 2:00pm on a Monday afternoon?).

And hour later I get this text:

3:07pm

DC Dude:  Carrie, I just can't do it this week dear.  Too much going on right now.  My apologies.

Carrie:  And you tell me this in a text?

DC Dude:  With people right now.

I couldn't believe it. Yes, I was disappointed that he had to cancel, but he said this to me in a text?  He had time to go to church, but didn't have time to make a two minute call to me?  That would have been the right thing to do, because it had been 10 days since I last heard from him!

4:08pm

Carrie:  We need to talk about this.  What time is good for you?

He didn't reply and, at that point, all I can say is thank God for girlfriends, because reality was coming crashing down on me, and fast.  Thankfully, when I got his text I just so happened to be on the phone with Beth.  She always had a way of putting things in perspective, "A guy that really likes you Carrie, would at least have the decency to call you."

Right after I hung up with Beth, Brigitte called and invited me over for dinner.  It was perfect timing, and exactly what I needed at that moment: Baby-time with Graeson, a home-cooked meal and Martinis!

How cute is Graeson?!

Around 9:00pm I checked my cell phone and DC Dude still had not responded.  

Carrie:  I'm not going to assume anything, but I can speak for myself:  That hurt.  A lot.  There was a time when you were really excited about me.  I don't know what happened, but you have lost it, which is OK - except we have been carrying on now for almost 1.5 years.  I said how I felt about you.  If you don't feel the same - that's OK.  But, the right thing would have been to not lead me on - like I said before, I was into you for all the right reasons and put my best foot forward with an open heart.  If you like me, well, you just don't show it.  And, by canceling on me via text...well that's just crap - I deserve at least a phone call.  You don't have to say anything - because you already said it, by not calling and not returning my texts for well over a week now.  I can't do this.  I thought you would at least be honest with me and give me the courtesy of calling.  I deserved at least that.

DC Dude:  Hey drama queen.  Hold the bullshit until I'm done working!  Jesus, I just got back from being away with my father in FL for 11 days!!!!  AFTER a hellacious 5 months creating this company.  Goddammit get off yourself and realize I WAS being honest.  HOLY SHIT - RELAX and be patient, please.

Oh. My. God.  Did he just call me a drama queen and tell me to get over myself?  MYSELF?  I haven't heard from him in 10 days...and he's telling me to get over myself? 

Myself?!

For a minute, I was Tom Hanks in "The Money Pit"...

Wow, he really knew how to nurture a relationship!  Clearly, he was callous with my feelings...

Carrie:  Get over myself?  Drama queen?  Really?  Wow...this just keeps getting better with you.

DC Dude:  Yes, because you know me better.  Just be understanding and patient, please.  I had to miss a meeting in NC this afternoon b/c I was so damn busy I could not leave.

Carrie:  You don't talk to me. You don't call me.  You don't return my texts...what do you expect?  I'm not a mind reader and I'm not there to see what is going on.  I can be patient.  I think I have been patient.  I don't think I have asked for too much from you - just common courtesy and honesty.  You were away on vacation for 11 days and you didn't call me once.  And then you cancel?  Tell me, what am I supposed to think?

Again, he didn't reply.

It was getting late, I said good-bye to Graeson and Brigitte and drove home listening to Kings of Leon - on full blast no less. I was pissed.  I was hurt.  I was done being patient, and giving him the benefit of the doubt.  Where was the consideration for my feelings?

I asked myself if my brother, Nathan, would be OK with DC Dude treating me this way? I knew the answer: "Hell, no!"  Again, it wasn't the fact that DC Dude was canceling on me...it was how he handled himself that spoke volumes.  No guy who cared about me would go on vacation for 11 days without wanting to talk to me. I didn't even know he was going on vacation!

Where was the reassurance that everything was OK with us? Something was up and I assumed it was fear-based, which prevented him from understanding how his in-actions were hurting my feelings...again!  If this was a taste of how things were yet to come, if this was how he handled himself in stressful times, then I wanted out. Not only was the writing on the wall, but it was lit up in neon lights just like Time Square on New Year's Eve! 

It was time.

10:25pm

Carrie:  Look, I know you "like" me, but I'm "in like" with you, which is far beyond the definition of just "like."  Call me a drama queen, but really if you were dying to see me you would have made it happen.  I don't know what your deal is...this all sounds like excuses to me.  So, I call bullshit.  I think you are just fucking afraid.  A-F-R-A-I-D, mother fucker! (swearing intentional!) That's the truth...I just needed YOU to say it.

10:45pm

Carrie:  *raising middle finger*  And that's for making me cry.  I'm done. 

I didn't hear anything back from DC Dude that night, but Nathan chimed in via text while I was in the middle of my melt-down.

Nathan:  So, DC Dude blew you off?  Men.  Can't live with 'em.  Can't perform complicated brain surgery replacing 64.5% of the brain and replacing it with a programmable chip.

Carrie:  He apologized and asked me to be patient.  Really?  What does that mean?  He was just on vacation for 11 days and didn't call me.  WTH?  Don't you think I deserve better?  I mean, even The Senator treats me better than that.  When The Senator picks me up, he comes to the door.  And when he drops me off, he always asks if he can walk me to the door...and DC Dude can't even call me to say he has to cancel?

Nathan:  Sounds bad.  If you want the answer to the question of what do I think?  If he was dying to be with you, he would show it.  He's not showing it.  Also, the chase, Carrie!  You gotta think of the chase!  Don't make yourself so available.

Carrie:  I did for the last YEAR!  That didn't work either...and if someone has to play games, then they are only in it for the games.  I want something REAL.

Nathan:  Ya gotta act like every guy means pretty much nothing until he does a back-flip off a 60-story building with flowers and chocolates in his hands.  They are not games. Just sorting out the weak.  You wanna mate with the lions, not the cubs.

Carrie:  The weak play games.  The strong are honest with their feelings.  I put mine out on the table a month ago!  Screw him if he can't deal.  He was a lot like MG...  Maybe that was a red flag right there.

Nathan:  Yip.  Could be!

Carrie:  They can both suck it for making me cry!  Boys suck, Nathan.

Nathan:  Yup.  They do.

Carrie:  That selfish prick doesn't even acknowledge my feelings AND he made me cry? Oh, I don't think so!  I'm so done with him!

NEXT!!!

And what was I supposed to do with a canceled R/T ticket to DC?  Exchange it for a 10-day trip to Florida with Beth, of course!!!!!

And, the hopeless romantic in me says that love isn't supposed to be this difficult! Love isn't supposed to leave me hanging or guessing. Love is supposed to make me feel confident - and DC Dude...well, we all know how he made me feel.

At least Keith knows how to love someone...

Just Call Me Angela!

It's St. Patrick's Day, and my very first time venturing out to a bar to celebrate the holiday - I know, and here I am Irish as the day is long! 

I'm in New Hampshire for a family visit, so I decided to go into my favorite bar The Shaskeen!  

I'm feeling good; I've got my kelly green sweater on and I'm wearing my uber-sexy, kitty-kitty, meow-meow boots with my jeans tucked into them.  I always get complimented on those boots, plus they make me about 6'2".  It's hard to miss me in a crowd!  And, they definitely put a little swagger back into my walk.

*MEOW!*

Seeing this was my first St. Patrick's Day going to a bar, I wasn't quite sure exactly what to expect but at 4:30pm, as I was trying to park my car, I began to notice a lot of people already doing the bar crawl dressed in their green outfits and staggering drunk.  I thought better them, than me!

I walk into the bar alone knowing that at some point I would probably bump into someone I knew. And, just as expected, right when I walk in I spot my cousin, Kristin, and her boyfriend.  We chat up a storm and who comes in next, but my Auntie Holly and Uncle Dave. I'm so deliriously happy to see them...and I'm drinking beer!!!

Next, my cousin, Lizzie, walks over to me and gives me a big hug.  It was surreal, because we had been trying to meet up with each other for the last a couple years, but the timing was always off.  It's a long story, but this was our first time meeting each other - ever!

Somehow, the hours were flying by. Alcohol, I have learned, makes me a little chatty and fiery - if that's possible.  I'm really enjoying myself, and over-joyed to be hanging with my family.  They rock!

At one point, I remember a tall guy joining our little gathering at the corner of the bar.  I didn't really notice him at first, and I can't remember if I was introduced to him or not, but from the looks of it, he apparently knew my cousin, Kristen.  My feet were getting tired, so I decided to take a little break and sit down.

Sipping my beer (I was well onto my 2nd pint!) and listening to a conversation that Uncle Dave was having with the two guys sitting next to us, my Auntie Holly comes over to me all excited and wide-eyed.

"Carrie....Carrie!  Don't you know who that is?" she said pointing to the guy talking to Kristen.

I lean to my left and looked around my aunt's shoulder to get a better look.


"Uhm...no..I don't recognize him.  Should I?"

"You don't recognize him? Carrie! You don't recognize him?"

I look at my auntie with a blank look on my face, "Seriously, I don't recognize him."

"Carrie!  It's Rugby Dude!  You know...Rugby Dude who ate off your plate?!"

In my slight beer fog, it finally dawned on me exactly who this tall good-looking guy was talking to Kristen.

"Holy crap! That's Rugby Dude???" My auntie's face lit up as she vigorously nodded her head in agreement.

I immediately stood up, practically pushed my auntie aside, and strutted my 6'2" self on over to Rugby Dude, interrupted his conversation with Kristen and proclaimed, "Now I remember you!"

Like a deer-in-the-headlights, Rugby Dude looked at me and then over to my aunt, "Did she just have to remind you who I was...because, look, I'm really sorry about that night.  I was really drunk..."

Oh, he was drunk that night alright!  

It was three years ago...

I was out with my friend, Lisa, who I had not seen in 10 years or so.  I was excited to catch up with her over dinner at The Wild Rover.  Nathan, my brother, was the bartender there that night, so I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone.

Lisa and I sat in the restaurant area of the bar. We both ordered the pumpkin ravioli, which I had been craving all week. I was starving, so when the waitress came by with our food, I was ready to eat!  I put my napkin in my lap and looked up to find a tall, good-looking, sweaty guy standing at our table.  I think I remember saying hello to him and then giving him a look like can I help you?  He was staring at my scrumptious plate of pumpkin ravioli and then took it upon himself to help himself to one of the ravioli's!  With his hand!

"Seriously?!"  

I pushed the plate towards him, "Honey, you can have the whole thing."  

At the time, I didn't know, or care, who he was and clearly, he didn't know who I was. But it didn't matter who I was - rude is rude!

"Really?" as he chewed my food.

"Really. It's all yours," I said sarcastically.

As he walked away with my plate, my attention went back to Lisa who was sitting across from me in shock.  

Trust me, it took all I had not to chase after him, grab my pumpkin ravioli and dump it all over his head. And then, top it all off by giving him my best flying elbow. 

Fortunately for him that stupid thing in my head called my conscience chimed in and reminded me that I didn't want to known around town as "Nate's sister - who clocked a guy for eating off her plate."

Although, it did have a nice ring to it...

Instead, I thought it would be best to let my big brother do my dirty work for me.   

*DING!*

If you want to be treated like a lady, you have to act like one. 

*DING! DING!*

Instead of clobbering dude, I let Nathan handle it. Oh, and believe me, he wasn't happy when I told him what had just happened because, apparently, that "dude" was one of the rugby guys that frequented the bar all the time and his team brought in a lot of business.

I knew that wasn't going to matter to Nathan.  Because "sister" trumps "rugby player,"  Someone was about to get kicked out!

Fast forward to St. Patrick's Day three years later...

"You're the guy who ate off my plate!"

"Did your aunt just tell you who I am?"

Nodding my head up and down and staring at him with fire in my eyes I said, "Oh, yes she did!  I didn't recognize you.  You looked different back then.  Your hair was shorter and blonder, and you were looking like a sweaty, hot mess that night."

"Listen, I'm really sorry about that night.  I didn't know who you were, and I guess that was my way of flirting with you."

"Flirting? I'm surprised that that you even remember that night because you were tanked!  You didn't even have your shoes on.  And, you were in a bar!"

"It was my birthday, and we had just won a game...I was drunk, but I do remember everything."

"Yes you were!  Nathan was so angry with you!  I've only seen him that angry twice in my life.  Once, was Halloween, when someone grabbed my super-hero ass, and the other time was when you ate off my plate!"

Rugby Dude got kicked out immediately that night. He said that he felt so bad about the incident that he didn't show his face in the bar for a month.

Big whoop.  A whole month?  Hell, if he really felt that bad it should have been for at least six months...


Rugby Dude seemed like a nice guy while we were talking, but the whole time I kept hearing my auntie's voice in my head reminding me that he was a bad boy and to stay away from him.  She would know because not only did he go out with Kristen a few times, but also one of Kristen's friends - and the rumor was...he was not a nice guy to date.  So, I was all set - I didn't even have the desire to entertain the thought of going out with him until I, at one point, in our conversation, touched his arm and all reasonable and responsible thoughts went out of my head!

*ZING!*

Instead, they were replaced with the thought that maybe the Dating Gods had answered my prayers!  Underneath those clothes, I imagined his body was similar to my dream boat, Alexander Scarsgard...

*SWOON!*

At 8:00pm, my friend Rachel walked in and my family left.  As they were leaving, Aunt Holly gave me another warning to stay away from Rugby Dude.  I smiled and assured her that I would.

Now, let me give you a little back-ground on Miss Rachel.  Rachel eats men up and spits them out and then wipes her feet on whatever is left of them.  And guys love it. She is a professional at verbal lashings and ball busting - so I figured that maybe Rugby Dude just needed someone more like Rachel to put him in his place. I immediately introduce them.  

Shaking her hand he looks at me and asked, "Does she know, too?"

"Of course she does!"  I said with a big smile on my face.

The evening carried on and Rachel and I had a great time talking and flirting with the other patrons at the bar.  But it was obvious that the both of us had the hots for Rugby Dude.

I have to hand it to Rachel - if a guy is a dirt bag they'd better watch out, because she will treat them like the piece of sh*t they are, and have no qualms about it.  I was secretly hoping that Rugby Dude would go for Rachel and take the heat off of me.  Nathan was bartending and watching me talk to Rugby Dude.  I had been drinking, so even though I knew he was a bad boy, and I got specific instruction to stay away from him, I was definitely feeling attracted to him.  How could I not?  He was my type - minus the bad boy part, of course.  He was about 6'3, handsome, clean cut, athletic and wearing a button down shirt and slacks like he just came from the office.  Oh, and he was from Texas and still had a bit of an accent...and you know what they say about guys from Texas!

*starts to purr* 

But then, I remembered the most important thing of all:  The Rules!  

Specifically, Rule #2 - Nathan and I do not date each others friends.  (Dammit!)  that rule really isn't fair, because he is like the mayor - he knows everyone in town.


Then, I noticed Rugby Dude and Rachel talking on the other side of the bar.  I thought for sure I now wouldn't have to worry about the rules or fight off the lusty thoughts I was starting to have for him!  That worked until Rachel came back over to where I was standing at the bar.  She was laughing hysterically.

"You are not going to believe this!  He thought your name was Angela!  Oh, my God! He was talking the whole time about Angela and I was like, who? And he said, you know, Nathan's sister.  And I said, you mean, CARRIE?!  Girl, it was so funny, because then he asked if I was going to tell you he got your name wrong, and I said, oh definitely!"

I told you she was a ball-buster.

(Again, Beth is my proofreader - she occasionally leaves funny comments in pink caps - they were too funny to delete.)

Boys! Are they that clueless? Do they really think that they can act and treat women however they want to without any repercussions?  Clearly, he was really loaded that night he ate off my plate because there's drunk...and then there's tanked!  (STICKY FINGERS IN A STRANGERS FOOD....EWWWW!) On top of that, then he's got a really bad reputation with women per my auntie, cousin and big brother - (FAMILY CONSENSUS!)  (AND...THE ICING ON HIS CAKE...IF HE REALLY GAVE A DINGDANGDOODLE ABOUT ANY OF THE ABOVE, HE'D KNOW YOUR NAME...IT WOULD BE BLAZED INTO HIS GREY MATTER...RIGHT ALONG WITH HIS FAVORITE MOVIE LINE AND THE SIZE OF NATHAN'S FIST.)  Did my name really escape him?  Really?  A class act, I tell you!

 

LESSON LEARNED:  Handsome as hell, does not trump train-wreck.

NEXT!!!!!