K9 Cop

We won't break tradition, so this guy's nickname is "K9 Cop."  Obviously, because he is one.

  

K9Cop: Hi. I'm fairly new to all this so writing to someone I've never met is still strange. I'm not looking to jump into bed or date a million girls. Just 1. I liked your profile and I hope I don't sound like a dumb ape when I say your beautiful. I hope you write back.

I know..most cops are not the best spellers, so I'm not going to hold it against him - although having a good command of the English language, for me, it's always a turn-on when someone has good diction.  Well, maybe he has some other redeeming qualities.  Let's take a look at his pictures:

OK...not my type...

Hey look! Shocking...the infamous mirror photo!  God! Don't people have friends who can take pictures for them?

Oh, and hey...there's the annoying kissie-face shot and taken in the car no less.  Note, he's not wearing his seat belt.  A cop who is above the law...now, there's a shocker!  He looks as big as a house.  Maybe spends just a little bit too much time at the gym?  Definitely got an older "Jersey" look going on.  Eww.  Not a fan.

Don't judge, Carrie, don't judge!

So, I look further at his profile he's 41-years old, 6'1", a police officer, looking for a long-term relationship, loves animals...  I'll let you read his profile for yourself, and I quote:

"I'm not looking to jump into bed or date a different woman every night. I'm just looking for one really good one. I love animals and even have a German Shepherd who works with me, so please like animals. I'm not a big bar or club guy. Like the gym, dinner, movies, anything is nice with right person. If you were ever a "dancer" or have boob implants bigger than your head than your probably not for me. Gonna try this one more time."

I almost wrote back to him and said, "So, as long as my "boob implants" aren't bigger than my head, then you'd still consider me?

*giggles*  

Who says that?  I really wasn't interested in him - that stupid mirror photo always throws me off - because you know that self-picture has been sent via text to women - I'm not the only one.  It's obvious, and it annoys me.

Nothing really appealing to me on his profile, except wait...what is that?!

What IS thaaaat? Oh, my God. It's a baby deer.....ohhhhhhh!!!!!!  A baby deer!!!!!!!!!

OK, maybe he does have a big heart and loves animals.  What's there not to like about a guy who let's a baby deer into his home - and sleeps on his bed?  Awwwwww!!!!! How freaking cute!!!!

So, I write back to him, and ask him to tell me the story about the baby deer. He writes back telling me he saw a dead deer on the side of the road one day, and out of the corner of his eye he sees the fawn laying next to it's dead mother.  He stops, picks up the fawn, brings it home and has been feeding it goat milk for the past four weeks.

Animal lover - redeems everything I didn't like about him - even the mirror photo!

*DING!*

We email back and forth a few times, then he asks for my number.  I'm in the Catskill Mountains for the weekend where there really is no reception, so talking on the phone is out of the question. I give up my digits and we exchange a few text messages...

For the first week, I noticed that all we did was text, but he did ask me out to dinner, so we could meet, he just didn't say when.

Pro:  He asked me out to dinner early on.

Con:  During our texts, he never asked anything about me.  I was always the one asking questions.

A few days go by, more random texting - he tells me how busy he is rescuing more dogs, and that his ten chickens he had on his property (rescued from the slaughter house) were just eaten by something while he was away.  How horrible!  I send my condolences, he's literally heart-broken - well as much as I can tell, via text!

I ask about the baby deer, he sends me these:

He also tells me that the follow week he will have a few days off, and that's when we can go out to dinner.

Pro:  He's not asking to meet for coffee.

Con:  He didn't say which days he had off - which is sketchy.

The next day, he checks in with me...via text of course!

K9Cop:  Send me a photo.

Carrie:  Of what?!

K9Cop:  Of you, silly!

Oh. Well, hell...I'm at work - in work mode, with a new phone....I've got a few pictures of my dog on there, another one of my new pair of Birkenstock's I just bought, at Beth's behest - the picture of Gail's new baby boy, Reed, what else do I have?  Nothing.

So, I tell him I'm snapping a quickie photo - I'm stressed, just picked up lunch and I have to get back into my office.

Carrie:  This is all you get!  The smile is fake, because it is fake!  Gotta run!

And he sends me this:

Pro:  He's wearing a shirt.

Con:  He's not smiling.  Red flag, because I noticed he never smiles in any of his photo's.

*Watches red flag wave in the wind*

Another week goes by of texting....now, can't he call me?  He has my number, and I've checked, and I got nothing!  No phone calls.  Shouldn't he be making plans with me for dinner?  "Next week" is fast approaching!

Saturday, I'm at Christie's house for a mini-Hen House pool party.  The texts start...I'm two Sangria's in, and then the back-and-forth flirting with K9 Cop ensues, along with a few pictures he sent.

Carrie:  I'm at my friend's pool hanging out for the day up here in New Hampshire.  What are you up to?

K9Cop:  I'm at the gym.

*sends pictures*

Christ almighty!  He looks like he's going to burst out of his skin...!  But, I am an "arm" girl, and I haven't had sex since.....

Since.....I was with the Architect in April....and that was only one night!  In April!  And, it's now July!!!! Let's see, the time before that...was with DC Dude...

IN DECEMBER!

Carrie:  JESUS!  Can you please warn me before you send a picture like that?

K9Cop:  LOL!

Carrie:  Hey, call me.

K9Cop:  I'll be home at 7:00pm.

Then...he sends another.....

And then......another......

Carrie:  When am I going to get my phone call?  It's 8:00pm!

K9Cop:  I've gone 5 miles in 40 minutes.  Traffic is really bad.

(Totally suspect!  But I play along...whatever - I've drank three glasses of Keith's famous Sangria's...I'm feeling no pain.)

Then, I get another.....

Ok, that one, and my girlfriends who where there that night, Justine and Christie....that picture almost sent me over the edge!  And, I'm sure I was annoying them saying, "Oh, my God...I want sex!  I can't stand it!  WHY do I have to go without sex?  Why ME?!  Twice in six months is NOT RIGHT!!!!

So. Not. Right.

And then.......yes, he sends me ANOTHER picture:

K9Cop:  This was before I cropped it.

And that, my friends, is where he made a mistake.  Big mistake!!!  Because, did you notice anything?  Because I sure did when I took a closer look at the photo.  (And, for the record it was past 9:00pm and no *bleep* phone call. WTF!)  Yeah, he's a big fat liar and now I just want to see how he handles himself when I confront him...

Three days later I text him the following:

Carrie:  I was hoping you would have called by now. *sigh* I want to know who this man is, with the big heart......and arms, of course! Why haven't you called yet?

K9Cop:  LOL…and the messed up phone that loses all my contacts.

Carrie:  ….and keeps resending pictures you’ve already sent me in the middle of the night!  But, still…I’m a straight shooter…I don’t believe in excuses.  If you want something bad enough, you’ll make it happen.  Sooo…which leaves me to believe….

K9Cop:  OK.  Happy straight shooting.

Carrie:  Wow, just like that?  That’s what I thought….and, that’s too bad, too.  I knew that wasn’t your lipstick on the counter…or hair products….or cat in the last photo you sent to me.  Good luck out there, Nick!

K9Cop:  That’s a magic marker from my niece.  It is my cat and my Mom’s stuff.  I told you I stay there during the week.  So take care.

He has 4 dogs at his house....and stays at his mother's house during the week?  Who leaves their dogs overnight?  And what about the DEER???? Unless, he lives with his Mamma, which is even worse! Regardless......I call bullshit.

Carrie:  No, you didn’t say anything like that.  Remember, we’ve never spoken on the phone and it was a Loreal lipstick that was on the bureau.  Sad…I was hoping you would be one of the good guys.  I thought I spelled that out in my profile that I’m looking for someone normal who is interested in a relationship.  Clearly, you are just looking to be validated by all this back and forth texting, because you can’t get to know someone via text, Nick.  Too bad…you just missed out on a great girl.

K9Cop:  LOL.  I’m looking for the same thing.  My phone keeps losing all my numbers and I’m working 16 hours a day.  Then you call me a liar???  Good-bye.

Carrie:  Then you should have been more forthcoming…you are not interested in me – you’ve never asked me one question about myself. You never set a date to meet. You NEVER CALLED ME. You know NOTHING about me.  All you want to do is send photo’s of your body.  What am I supposed to think?  Seriously, Nick…I’m not stupid.  I haven’t missed a thing.  I just tried giving you the benefit of the doubt, but your last few comments, and how quickly you get defensive, speaks volumes about you.  I wish you the best.

K9Cop:  I haven’t sent any pictures to you, except that one time.  I’m busy rescuing animals and working.  You showed your colors to (sic) sweety.   I know who I am.  Don’t text me back, I won’t read it.  Good luck.

Carrie:  No need to get nasty, Nick.  I was interested in you for all the right reasons.  That’s it.  Simple.

K9Cop:  You called me shallow and a liar.  I am neither.  So if I came off nasty I had a reason.

And he said he wouldn’t read my last text!  So predictable!

*roll eyes*

And that was the end of K9 Cop.  All I wanted was a date!  It goes to show you that Beth's boyfriend, John, was right when he said: