Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Plenty of Fish: "LITTLEHARDBODY"

In recent weeks, I have come across some REALLY horrific online dating profiles and thought I should share them with you.  I do, however, need to preface this blog and give you a head's up that this WILL be painful - but, nonetheless, entertaining!  (I promise.)

I think it's very important to show my audience the desperation and downward spiral of humanity, as we know it.  After all, we can't change what we don't acknowledge. Not that there is any hope for this chick, but maybe this will be a reminder to all of you to be kind to your daughters.  Dads need to stick around and be involved with their kids, otherwise, your daughter might end up like this:




Petite Barbie seek Roid Head:
About me:
I AM SEARCHING FOR A FUN GORILLA-JUICE OUT /TALL FREAKISHLY SIZED BODYBUILDER-HES THE BIGGEST GUY IN THE GYM,YET HE NEVER FEELS BIG ENOUGH!I LOVE HUGE HOT MUSCULAR MEN-LIGHT EYES AND TALL!!!!! Someone that will make fun of people with me -dance with me--have a happy life-workout together everyday ... I am a size zero 4 ft 11 blonde gIrlie girl/hair/makeup/nails etc...i AM CURRENTLY SEPARATED=I am a LOYAL 24/7 partner....searching for my forever soul mate/lover and daily workout/lifting partner. He shares my goals of hard bodies and laughing daily,mostly being together 24/7 vacationing every month to mexico, and being madly in love. A REAL MAN will move mountains to get to his woman-and keep her happy.One who DOES NOT NEED ALONE TIME, because we are connected at the core and are together 24/7. One who shows up everyday . We motivate each other to greatness...WE are the couple people envy as we talk into each others ears and giggle! I truly would love meeting a giant muscular bison type bodybuilding gorilla! Juice is accepted and adored but not required! A non smoker-lover of life that does not live with his mother at 40. A man who loves to eat out and is no conservative....We can be silly and he does not care what others think or say about us....! He can laugh at himself, and most of all love insatiable me and make me smile... Keep me safe and never let me cry... Finding lust is simple but true love that lasts forever -love caring and respect-fighting fair and being a solid unit-you and me first-we are our foundation-our strength comes from this-thats the goal.......XO

First date:
I LOVE TO LAUGH! VACATION TO TEMPTATION-HEDONISM-CRUISING- DANCING-WORKING OUT-SOMETHING SUPER FUN THAT OTHERS WOULD THINK WERE CRAZY!!!!
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Is your jaw hanging wide open?  Ya, mine was too, and my hand was fully clasped over my mouth while my eyes were bugging out in horror!  You don't think she has stalker tendencies do you? I mean, she only mentioned the "24/7" part three times.

And, to think, this chick was married...for 10 years...and I can't even get past a third date with a guy!

*shudders*

Until next time...and yes, I do have more to show you!

~Carrie

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Don't Date Him Girl: John Nicholson

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." 

Albert Einstein


One of my LA girlfriends emailed me the other day with some interesting, but disturbing news:

LAGF: I got a funny story for you, you know that guy you went out with "John"..bald guy, etc..? 

ME:  What guy? Do tell! I'm in bed with the flu.  :( 

LAGF:  Ucky...drink Theraflu. He lives in LA/NY allegedly. Bald guy, you met him on Match?  Nicholson..

ME: Ah, John Nicholson...the actor.  Ya...never "met" him.  Never did like actors....so what's the story?

LAGF:  Well, like a year and a half ago, or two years...I went for a drink with him. This year at Thanksgiving, he comes to our house....with his prego fiancee (also, the fiance is my BF's good friend)...  Sad, because according to her they have been together for like 5 years. I did not say anything to her, but it just made me think....

ME:  Interesting!  I always thought he was sketchy, and that's why I didn't go out of my way to meet him.  He's too desperate to be noticed as an actor....to get laid....to have a GF...etc.  I just checked out his FB page - his GF, Luana, is all over his wall. I noticed that nobody else writes anything on there.  I blocked his posts a while back, simply because I got tired of reading all of his self-promotion shit.  I actually forgot about him.  So, your BF is friends with his GF? And, she said they've been together for 5 years? Ya, wanted me to meet him about 3 years ago, I think.  Maybe less than that.  How does your BF know Luana?

LAGF:  Sweetheart, the girlfriend is Jennifer.  Who is Luana? 

ME:  LOL!  Well then, who is THIS chick who is ALL OVER his Facebook page?!  



LAGF:  That's not who was at Thanksgiving with John!

ME:  OMG...so that's not the chick who showed up?!  What a dirt bag.  Seriously...check out his FB page...she is the only person commenting on there and is totally caught up in him!

LAGF:  I don't care that much to look..but the prego girlfriend is a sweetheart.  Comment, "Congrats on your new baby and engagement."  LOL

ME:  Chick, don't even dare me, because you know I will!  Are you sure we are talking about the same guy?  John Nicholson...dude in the photo?!   I noticed he doesn't have any friends on FB named Jennifer....  Wow...living a total double life.  I knew I didn't like him.

Look, nobody's perfect.  People cheat every day, right?  So why did this bother me so much?  Well, because I've been the one who has had the wool pulled over their eyes and it's the worst feeling in the world.  I was totally humiliated.  People didn't want to get involved or go out of their way to tell me the truth, so in the end,  I was the one who suffered.  It took me a long time to get over it - the humiliation, not the lie.

I felt bad for both Luana and Jennifer, mostly for Jennifer, though, because I later found out she was about two weeks away from giving birth to John's baby.  And, based upon my correspondence with Luana (yes, I emailed her on Facebook) she believed she was the only woman in John's life.

It's a shitty thing to do to someone...lie and toy with their heart strings.  It's despicable - people are selfish and cruel.

I emailed John and told him that I knew he was double dipping in the "engagement" department.  As expected, he skirted the truth and used deflection rather than owning up to his bad behavior.  Shocking, right?

The pregnant girlfriend, Jennifer, and I also emailed back and forth shortly after my LA girlfriend had a telephone conversation with her. It was sad that John, at 47-years old, couldn't own up the truth, and despite being caught he insisted to Jennifer that he didn't even have a Facebook account.  Well, that sucked for him, because I sent Jennifer the Facebook emails John and I had exchanged.  Clearly, John didn't think she deserved to know the truth, but I did.

Had the www.dontdatehimgirl.com website still be working today, I would have put John's sorry mug up on there. It was a great website to warn other women not to date dirt-bags like John.  But, you can no longer post someone's profile on there, so now I have to use my own blog, because you and I both know, this ain't over.  He'll be up to his old dirty antics soon enough, but I'm secretly hoping that having this baby will change him.  One can only hope.



I wonder, if more people had a sense of shame, would our society that we live in today be a better place?

This is why it takes a village.

~Carrie
"Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth."  ~Buddha~

 

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A Penny for Your Thoughts

When times get tough, and when I get to a point where I find myself feeling less than positive about dating, I look for inspiration.  I use a variety of tools to keep myself focused to stay positive and to keep my eye on the prize.  One of those things is this amazing poem by Gemineye:


I've got a whole lot to offer, and I'm willing to wait for that one special guy who can get past my looks and appreciate me...for me. I want a guy that puts in his time to get to know me - not someone who randomly just texts me because he's lonely.

Thank you, Gemineye, for giving me the reminder that, yes, there are still men out there who can be open and vulnerable.


“Penny For Your Thoughts”

Can I offer you a penny for your thoughts?
As a matter of fact, how about three?
One penny for you, one penny for me,
And one penny for our minds engaged not so sexually.
Getting intimately closer as we approach the
Climatic altitude of nude, mental, sensational... conversation.

Because I’m trying to get to know everything about you
From the neck... UP.

So these are not your typical, sexual, poetical prose.
I’m trying to close the door on that all too familiar freaky foreplay game.
With which most guys have chose to approach you.
While they are trying to get deeply embedded
In the fine fibers of your bed sheets,
I’m trying to find and define the fibers of which your mind speaks.
I want to engage you
By putting a two karat solitaire diamond on your mind
Marrying your every thought!

I want to lick every inch of every crevasse
So I can get an oral fix from each orifice
And taste you passionate IMAGINATION.

Id rather be naked and exposed, holding you
As we're lying and you're crying
While confiding and describing
the tough times you’ve had in life
And how you don’t know
If you can keep a relationship long enough to be somebody's wife.

I wanna feel the heartbeat of your inner rhythms
As they lead me toward your warm, wet, waterfalls of feminine thoughts.
And ill swim in them.
From backstrokes, to breaststrokes,
I’m penetrating every entrance... to your mind.
Taking my time to find out everything about you.

Did I ever tell you about how you
Fell asleep in my presence?
And your mere essence
Kept me awake for hours
As I cowered with this feeling
Of sexually unadulterated mental connection?

And as you lay by my side
I pushed the blinds aside
And took the time in the moonlight of that night
To count 72 eyelashes
On the upper eyelid of your right eye!
Because when you sleep
Your eyes remain open slightly.

And while we probably moves in too quickly into some sexual shit
I’ve always cared more about the explicitly illicitness
That came from between you lips…meaning your voice.

So now I am standing here
Ready to trade in all the sexual acts that we've preformed
For the chance to reform the very foundation
And the basis of our relationship.

So I reiterate my opening statement
And I offer you another penny for your thoughts!

~Gemineye