I Have Decided to be Penis Free in 2010!

I’ll admit that I’ve been in a lull for a while. I haven’t been dating anyone, except for the occasional dates here and there. Nobody new – so, nothing really exciting to report.

I finally made it through those 30 days I promised myself. I finished Stephen King’s memoir (thank you DC Dude it was a wonderful book), and I've pretty much stayed off www.plentyoffish.com.   My TV has been turned on twice in the last month. I had to catch up with Dr. Drew and see how my celebrity drug/alcohol addicts were doing on VH1’s, “Celebrity Rehab,” which I'd like to report, they are all still a mess!

People fascinate me, and I guess that’s why I like watching like “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew,” and of course, “Tough Love.” I’ve always been the one to root for the underdog, probably because I was the underdog most of my childhood.

In a conversation with Beth the other day, she asked how my writing was going. I told her there was a lack of writing material because I wasn't dating anymore and it was frustrating me. Her solution? “Then write about your frustration about not having something to write about.”

She’s brilliant that Beth – she really is.

Here's my issue: We all know that I love writing about my dating dilemmas and adventures. I do it because I enjoy it, and also because I know my girlfriends truly enjoy the stories and as some of you have said live vicariously through me.  But now that I've taken the online dating out of the equation, what do I have left? No dates! Which, I’m actually okay with, but now I don’t have anything interesting to write about.

On one hand, I don’t want to subject myself to the dog-chasing-its-tail routine with the on-line dating, because we all know it’s just a bunch of crap.  But yet, here I am – stuck in a rut with nothing to write about, and I'm really feeling tempted to jump back onto Plenty of Fish.  It's like the moth to the flame!  What do I have to write about, if I'm not dating?

Then it dawned on me – I do have a BIG subject to write about!

WARNING!

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!

(Cover your eyes Nathan; this is going in the category of T.M.I. and could possibly come close to breaking Rule #3!)

*PAUSE*

I could write about how I’ve been penis-free in 2010!

*PAUSE*

(Did you hear that? That was Beth in the background saying, “Woo-Hoo!!!!” all the way from Brooklyn.)

*YELLING BACK*

"Yeah, easy for you to say, Beth! You are the one who said how great it would be to be penis free for a whole year, but now you get to snuggle up next to your B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D!!!!"

I think it was New Years Day that Beth and I had this conversation.  We were at her house in upstate New York for the holiday weekend; she was standing in the kitchen and I was sitting on the couch poking around on my laptop.

“What do you want for yourself in 2010,” I asked.

“Penis free,” she quickly replied.

“What?! Speak for yourself, sister! And for God’s sake, don’t jinx me!”

But, it was too late – because soon after that Beth got herself a boyfriend.

So, here I am - penis free. It’s not so bad; I have so much more time to do the things I like to do, and when I want to do them. I have a full schedule: A job that keeps me on my toes, family obligations, girlfriends to hang out with, and things I want to accomplish this year. Of course, whoever I date could partake in these things with me, but I know myself – it’s been a good 7 years of waking up all by myself, so when that right guy comes along, I just might want to stay in bed with him......FOR A WEEK!  (Or, at least a whole weekend.)

Spending a weekend in bed together is not just about the sex.  I miss holding hands, spending lazy Sunday mornings together, making breakfast, reading the paper together...

Long conversations in bed…

I miss spooning...

I miss being held...

I miss kissing...

God, I miss kissing!

I have a girlfriend (and you know who you are), who told me right after she broke up with her boyfriend of almost a year that she never liked kissing him.

Let me ask you - how does that happen? How did the guy ever get a second date? That’s a deal breaker for me. If you can't kiss - forget it!  The date comes to an abrupt halt, I pull back with the deer-in-the-headlights look and say, “Well now, I think I need to get going,” to which, my date will start to object and whine. (And we all know there is NO whining in baseball - or dating!)

This reminds me of when Becky and I were living together in Jersey City NJ, I went out to dinner with this guy. My date with dude was just a dinner date which was fun but then it go awkward as he dropped me off at my house.  I knew there was no chemistry, but he went in for the kiss anyway.  It was horrifying.  I tried to just give him a peck on the lips, but he went for full-on kiss.   Now, insert above mentioned comment about me having deer-in-the-headlights look, pulling back, and then bolting.  Then, imagine me barreling through the house,make a mad dash into Becky’s bedroom - and in a full panic mode say, “Never again, Becky! I think I’m going to throw up – he kissed me like a dead fish, lizard mouth - OH GOD, HE HAD NO LIPS!

Where is the mouth wash?! I need mouth wash – and possibly therapy to get over this one!"

Becky, sitting Indian style on her bed, casually put down her book and said, “So does this mean he’s not getting a second date?”

Even today, it makes me shudder at the thought of it.

Speaking of kissing, the other weekend while I was home in New Hampshire for my usual three-day weekend, I bumped into someone who I had previously gone on a few dates with: Writer Dude.

It had been four months since we had last spoken -  I think we just lost interest in each other.  But like the Senator, it was hard to date someone in NH when I live 250 miles away.

(We make a nice Cingular Commercial...)

Here's the scene - I'm at the “Hen House,” and we are celebrating Gail's birthday. Me, I'm happier than a pig in poop; I'm drinking wine and hanging with my girlfriends.

Then, in walks Writer Dude and his friends.

Holy shit, it's Writer Dude! Seeing his handsome face again, and having a few glasses of wine in me I went over to talk to him.  Once we had the niceties out of the way, I went in for a big hug.  (He's 6'2" - the man knows how to give a hug!)  Then, I pulled him into the front hallway, away from everyone, for a long over-due make-out session, and damn - it was good!

Finally pulling away, I said, "Had you kissed me like that the first time…!!!!"

Our little moment was interrupted by the great possibility of "trouble" spying on us, so I peaked around his shoulder to make sure there wasn't any. 

This is what "trouble" looks like:

And sometimes, it looks like this:

Emilee, Anthony and Lexi

Luckily, the coast was clear.

Writer Dude and I had met around the same time as I had met The Senator. I really liked Writer Dude, except for the fact that the first time I met him he mistakenly hit on more than one of the chicks in the Hen House.......that same night. A BIG FAUX PAS!

*raising eyebrow*

A few weeks after I met him, I bump into him again at the Wild Rover.  This time he was making it obvious he wanted to talk to me. Trust me, I didn't make it easy for him.  It was after a few well-poured Jack & Cokes, and standing outside waiting for our ride home, I finally gave it to him: "You can only flirt with ONE OF US - I was interested in you the first night we met, and I made it pretty obvious.  You picked somebody else.  And now that she doesn't want you - you want me.  It's bad form!"

Even with my verbal lashing, I have to hand it to him, he stood there with his tail between his legs, hands in his pockets and took it like a man.  He wasn't going to give up - citing ignorance and being drunk that first night we met, and apologized profusely, again and again.

Ok, I get it. It is true that when we are out with our friends drinking, we are prone to do stupid things, and we sometimes get a little over zealous – I couldn't blame him, especially when there are so many pretty girls in my circle of friends to choose from.

I adore Writer Dude, and to boot, he’s really cute with those huge, big blue eyes, and 6’2” stature – great body, and really sweet. He’s good-natured, spiritual, a good father, and a good man, (even though Gail is always quick to remind me of his college antics.)  But, who can say they are the same person, as they were 20 years ago? And what college guy isn’t trying to stick his penis into ever girl he gets his hands on?

So, what the hell is my deal then?!  Here was my chance to finally sleep with him, and even after that great kiss, and meeting up after the party was over at the Shaskeen, I still remain Penis Free in 2010. 

I even spent the night with him…….not once that weekend, but twice!  Friday night AND Saturday night.

Great, now I get to write about how exciting it is to be penis free.

I guess there could be worse things in my life.

...maybe I'm just not that into him.....