Help! I'm Living in a Williams & Sonoma Catalog!

I live with two gay men, Julio and Anthony. They are both in their early 30’s.  (No, they are not a couple.) We all live in this very large townhouse that Anthony owns. It works out well, mainly because we hardly see each other!

Living here has its perks. The townhouse is nicely decorated and kept in immaculate condition. Sometimes, though, I do feel like I'm living inside a Williams & Sonoma catalog. Everything kept perfectly in place - neat and tidy.

"Neat and tidy" might not give you the over-all picture of what it's like to live here, so let me give you an example. Our kitchen sink has three nozzles:  The goose-neck faucet, soap dispenser and hose.  Every morning when I come downstairs to make coffee, EACH nozzle is facing perfectly forward.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate considerate roommates, but this.....!  And, now I'm doing it!  Whenever I'm done with the sink, I make sure everything is facing forward....yep....

...I've become Julie Roberts in the movie "Sleeping With the Enemy," minus the verbal and physical abuse, of course.

Here's another example: It used to freak me out when the tissue I put in my bathroom waste paper basket, would be gone the following morning. This didn’t happen just once, it’s EVERY day.

Even the labels in the pantry are all facing forward........I'm just saying!

I do like living here, however, every once in a while I do hear Anthony and Julio get into a cat fight, usually before they start to watch American Idol in the living room. It’s never cute, so I close my bedroom door and shut them out. Fifteen minutes into the show, they act as if nothing ever happened between them, and I hear, “Oh my God, that’s so FIERCE!!!” coming from the living room...over and over.  Whatever, it comes with the territory of living with gay men, apparently.

So, the other day, Anthony asked me to do him a favor. He has just accepted a new job and they were sending him an overnight letter, and could I forward it to him in Florida where he was on vacation.

“Sure,” I said. “I will just take it into work with me, slap on a label and give it to the UPS driver when he comes. He’s scheduled to come every day. It’s not a problem, just text me your address in Florida.”

Easy, right? Wrong.

Not only did he ask our neighbor (who is retired) across the street to come retrieve the Letter Express from our stoop (so it wouldn’t get stolen), but the moment after the neighbor rang my doorbell and handed me the package, my roommate was calling me to make sure that the neighbor came by to drop it off. 

For the record, I have had SEVERAL packages, boxes left at our front door without incident. Obviously, he doesn’t trust anyone, but, I’m thinking, at least he’s thorough!

The next day, I bring in his package to work, print out a label, and leave it for the UPS driver. It goes out, and I text my roommate the tracking number. There, done!

The following day…..I get this:

ANTHONY: Received well. Thanks for opening it.

CARRIE: Huh? I didn’t open it. Just slapped a label on it and sent it out…

ANTHONY: Someone opened it. Maybe Julio, or someone at your job.

CARRIE: No. It was sealed when I sent it.

CARRIE:  Again, I ask you to watch how you word your texts to me. I did you a favor. There’s no need to be bitchy with me.

ANTHONY: No one is mad. It’s ok. I was just saying that’s how it came. Maybe UPS did it.

I don’t bother to reply…I was a bit miffed with his attitude.

ANTHONY: I appreciate all your help. I’m sorry if the text came off that way. Don’t think I’m bitchy. Now, I notice the tape was never removed anyway.

Am I asking too much?  What happened to, "Hey, Carrie!  Thank you, I got the package today.  By chance to you open it?"  And now he's telling me that the letter wasn't opened after all. Whoever sent it, wanted to ensure that the seal was strong enough for the large amount of contents they put in it, so they reinforced it with packing tape.

Trust me, that will be the last favor I do for him!  My own girlfriends don't even bitch and whine like this!

Here's to my girlfriends for not being bitchy and whiney!!!!!

The Infamous Holiday Text

2010 - Easter Sunday

So, here it is, Easter. I’m at Barnes & Nobles happily browsing a table of new gardening books. I flipped through about five of them, but settled on this one:

1001 Hints & Tips for Your Garden: An A-to-Z Guide for Solving Almost Every Garden Problem

I was happier than a pig in poop with my purchase and I could hardly wait to get it home to read it.  My phone vibrates. I reach into my bag, grab my phone and read the text::

The Noocher: Happy Easter.

Those of you who know me, know full well who this person is – and those of you who don’t, I’m pretty confident that at one point, every girl has had one of these guys in her life. He’s the guy that just won't go away - just like a bad habit, he keeps resurfacing.  No matter how much time goes by.  No matter how many times you’ve told him you are not interested, he still calls.  These guys are either stupid or they are hoping that enough time has gone by that you forget why you dumped them in the first place. 

When it comes to this particular guy, trust me, I’ve ignored his texts/calls and he still doesn't get the hint! Last summer, I even lied and told him I had a boyfriend.  He left me alone...but here he is, again, nine months later. God!  What an idiot!

I've always had suspicions about him, but after exchanging emails and phone calls with his ex-girlfriend - she found his name I posted on  http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/ - I knew this was my opportunity to call him out on his sh*t!

Screw it.

CARRIE: You know what…you never brought back those CD’s you took from my roommate, Debbie…so I guess that makes you thief. Not surprising though, especially after the conversation I had with your ex-girlfriend. She confirmed all my suspicions that I had about you. Do me a favor and lose my number. I don’t associate with thieves.  Please delete my phone number.

THE NOOCHER: No one cares about you and your bitter ass. Not married, now or ever. You will have loads of cats.

CARRIE: Happy Easter to you, too, and thanks to you, your ex-girlfriend and I are now friends. She’s a lot like me:  Too good for you.

THE NOOCHER: It was a bulk email. I’m in love with a strong woman who loves me. I don’t want the drama.

*ROLLS EYES* 

Carrie: Great! Delete! Delete! Delete! Writing back to me means you are not deleting my number! Don't make have to go and change it...

So far, not a word from him...so I think the coast is clear. However, I thought that last summer, too, didn't I?

And the time before that....

And that time before that....

And the time before that…..

Dammit, I think I might have to change my number.