Thursday, June 30, 2011

Take That, Miss Neon Big Boobs!


Beth and I are at the West Palm Beach airport in Florida leaving after a fabulous 10-day vacation together.  We were walking around inside the airport, trying to decide where to eat, because we both were starving and had time to kill before our flights took off to go back home.

As I was putting down my bags at a table, a blond girl, who was about 5’4”, caught my eye - actually, she was the size of a gnome, compared my 5'11" frame.  Wait - correction, she didn't catch my eye - you couldn’t miss her!  But, I think that was the point, she had obviously mastered the stripperesque look with her long, blond hair and her tight, neon-pink tank-top with a boob job, so big, that it looked like two massive Macy's Day Parade globular balloons floating right under her chin, (minus the men holding the lead ropes on the ground).  Seriously, she put Pam Anderson to shame...

Amazing! How does a girl decide to have giant-sized watermelons for boobs, without realizing she is limiting herself on her clothes selection for the rest of her life?  I mean, I'm O'natural and I even I get frustrated, because I can't wear button-down shirts anymore.  She must wake up in the morning afternoon and pick between the pink neon spandex tank-top and her lime-green neon tank-top.  Yuck...Spandex...her only option.  I guess her Mamma tell her that synthetics don't breathe and will make her sweat.  Stupid girl. Great choice for summer clothing.

She was indeed a spectacle, and if her main purpose in life was to bring attention to herself, well then, she definitely had succeeded!  Bravo! All she needed was a itsy-bitsy doggie under her arm, and she would have fit right into Pink's video "Stupid Girls."   (Pink, she's another one who definitely wouldn't be running for President...sorry, girl.)

Beth was at the Starbuck's counter checking out their food selection, so I stood by our bags and casually looked around to see if anyone else had noticed Miss Neon Big Boobs.  Actually, everyone had stopped to stare - even the guy sitting across from me had stopped eating, just so he could watch her walk away from her table.

(Remarks in PINK are Beth's editing comments to me - again, too funny to omit.)

When Beth came back to our table, she obviously saw what I had seen, because she didn't even have to say anything - she just gave me a nod. I HAD WHIPLASH, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE I LOVE A SPECTACLE IN NEON SPANDEX...ALWAYS HAVE...ALWAYS WILL.

Here we were, both well-dressed for our flight - conservative, but still meow-meow.  Both of us have agreed in the past that it's important to dress age-appropriate and elegant, but still keep a little edge.  After all, you never know who you might at the airport...or anywhere, for that matter!

*DING!*

Speaking of...this is a true story!  I was flying from Nashville to Los Angeles.  It was summer time, so I decided to wear my pretty, navy-blue, A-lined dress that was very Jackie O.  I even wore black, over-sized sunglasses.  I definitely stood out - but in the right way.  (My grandmother would have been proud.)

Ok, so maybe my dress was a tinsy bit tighter and probably shorter - but the girls were covered!

I board the plane, say hello to the flight attendants, and sashay myself down the aisle, only to find, sitting next to my window seat, a very large, over-weight man trying to squeeze himself into the middle seat. Geeze! Just my luck!  This is going to be a long flight...

By the time I had arranged my giraffe legs around my bag in front of me, and clicked my seat-belt together, I noticed a male flight attendant handing me a folded napkin.  I took the napkin, and without saying anything to me, he walked away.

I gave the man sitting next to me an uncomfortable smile, not knowing what was going on. Slowly, I opened the napkin, which read, "3A."

It took a few minutes for it to register in my head what "3A" meant.  Then it finally dawned on me.  Holy crap!  There is a God!  Sweet Jesus, I just got upgraded to first class!

Gloating over my change of luck, I was hard not to wave the napkin over my head and scream at the top of my lungs, like I had just won the lottery. Instead, I tried as best I could to contain my excitement and turned to the man sitting next to me, I happily announced, "Excuse me, sir, I'm in the wrong seat!"
Flying first class was fabulous.  I had plenty of room, and I drank for free.  The cutie-pie flight attendant kept me company the whole flight and he even sent me home with a bottle of wine!  All that because I put effort into dressing like a lady...with an edge, of course!

*DING!*

“Her parents must be really proud,” Beth says.  Everyone around us had noticed Miss Neon Big Boobs. To make matters worse, she was holding a stuffed animal and her back-pack had “Playboy” on it.  Yes indeed, her parents must be really proud. UNLESS HER MOM IS SOON TO BE ONE OF THE "HOUSEWIVES OF WEST PALM BEACH"...THEN SHE WOULD BE HAPPY!

Disgusted, Beth and I walk up to the short line at Starbucks and, as I was reading the menu up on the bulletin board, the 60-something year-old man standing in front of us turned around to look at us.  First, he looked at Beth and then he looked at me.

“Be still my beating heart.”

"Oh my gosh!  Thank you, so much.  That was very sweet of you to say."  Totally surprised at this gentleman's words, I turned to Beth with a big smile on my face - she just smiled back at me.  He just proved our point.

I could tell he was caught up in his own thoughts.  Maybe he was remembering a time when women still cared about their appearance and men sought after them for their beauty and grace - a time that seemed to be long gone these days...

As he grabbed his items off the counter and turned to us again, his last words were, "The perfect picture of elegance."

At that moment, I felt my grandmother smiling down at me from Heaven, and I knew my parents would have been proud. SCORE A WIN FOR THE NATURAL FIBER GIRLS...AND "THE GIRLS" IN NATURAL FIBER...ALWAYS IN STYLE!

(I love this video - Pink is my hero for writing this song!!!)