Don't Touch My Superhero Ass!

Halloween.....the time of year when women can bring out the "Ho" in Halloween.  (Yes, I realize that there is no "Ho" in Halloween, but whatever - you get my point.)

My friend, Justine, suggests that we dress up as superhero's and not just any super hero's, but sexy superhero's!  Sure, why not?  She sends me a link to a website of all the costumes to pick from.  I pick Robin - the girl wonder.  That's me, right?  Girl wonder?

Pleased with my selection, until I took a closer look at the picture of my outfit.  How short is that skirt?  Better yet, exactly how tall is that model? 

I chuckle...Miss Five-Foot-Seven with a boob job?  She's maybe 5'6"?  Hell, you can never tell with these catalog models - they can be really deceiving and really, all I care about is how that costume going to fit on my 5'11" body?!

It could be a problem!

Stupid....petite....model!  Nobody is that size!

I figured I'd take my chances.  I bought the costume for $49.99 and crossed my fingers. God, please let the costume be long enough to cover my butt!

My costume arrives in the mail a few days later. Immediately, I tried it on with my high-heeled black boots. As I'm sliding it over my head and down around my body, I can't help but think that the model in the picture must have been a midget. Now I'm thinking the model was probably only 5'5"!

The size I ordered was a medium - and daum! Why can't they make everything in tall???? Maybe if I pulled it down... It's pleather. It should stretch!

The skirt was only 15" long.  It was the shortest thing I've ever worn in my life. I was worried if it will cover my butt or not.  God forbid it shimmies up by accident during the night without me noticing.

I was taking a leap of faith in the name of having a good time with my girlfriends - even the stitching was suspect. I prayed that the seams didn't start to unravel during the middle of my night...

Halloween night, I get ready at Justine's house - she is Batwoman and our other friend is Captain America. It was going to be a night of pleather - I could smell it!  Literally!  And knowing pleather doesn't breathe, I put on extra deodorant - just in case!

We go to a house party - it's a nice group of people.  Mostly everyone there is dressed up.  I pour myself a Jack & Coke and start mingling.  The night is going well - there's a lot of high school friends there, Catwoman, Wonder Woman, Danika Patrick, a Pirate, a Wench, and another Captain America.  I'm having fun. I love my girlfriends!

Life is good, and so far, no wardrobe malfunctions.

Around 11:30pm, we all decide to head over to The Wild Rover, where my brother was working.  I was hoping to score the $200 prize for sexiest costume.

Upon arrival, my brother is standing outside and tells me we just missed the contest.

Dammit, Nathan!

Didn't he know that on of his responsibilities, as my older brother, is to tell me about these things?  What kind of bar manager is he that he doesn't inform his favorite sister, and her hot friends, about what time the contest was?  I could have used that $200!

We all go inside the bar - I'm trying to nonchalantly pull down my tiny skirt, and really hoping that my brother doesn't freak out and notice that the skirt is way too short for me.  (It would be just my luck that he's the one to witness my superhero ass cheeks falling out!)

But, apparently I was covered, or maybe he didn't look. 

It would have been weird if he looked...

Ya, he wouldn't look. 

The bar is crowded.  We buy drinks.  Everyone I walk by is yelling, "Robin!"  That's right, my name is friggin' Robin tonight! I'm towering over everyone as I make my way through the crowd in my high-heeled boots. I'm looking to fight crime!!  (Or, at least score a free Jack & Coke?)

Yes, fight crime - that was my intention, until some drunkie-drunkard walked up to me in his staggering haze, stopped in his tracks when his eyes saw the girls and slowly inserted his index finger into my right boob.

Yes, he inserted his index finger into my right boob, as if he was testing it to see if they are real or not! 

I'm standing there stunned.  I'm shocked.  At that moment, my hair definitely got redder and my blood pressure sky-rocketed!

I start yelling at the guy, but his two friends were quick to move in and make excuses - one of them even offered to buy me a drink - hoping that would shut me up.  (Like a drink was going to make up for that?!)  Then the apologies turned into, "Hey, you are really hot in that Robin outfit.  Forget about my friend, so what is your name?"

Wasn't it obvious that my name was Robin?  Hello?

I look over at Mr. Drunkie who is standing there staring at me - swaying.  He's testing me.  Yes, asshole, the boobs are real. My attention goes back to his friends then back at the perpetrator.  I make a fist - I'm still steaming mad. This fiery red-head is about to lose it! I pull back my arm and get ready to punch him in his face, but then I remember...

...I am in my brother's bar...and if you want to be treated like a lady, then you have to act like a lady.  God forbid, I am remembered as "Nathan's sister, who punched a guy in the face." 

Ya...not so flattering. 

At first, I was going to let it go - everyone was having a good time, and Nathan wasn't anywhere in sight. So, I tell Drunkie's friends, to back off and suggest that they all get out of my sight.

I turned back to my group of friends, grabbed my Jack & Coke and managed to calm down.  However, about 20 minutes later and wouldn't you know, Mr. Drunkie has managed to find his way back around the bar into our area. What's worse is that he's perched his sorry drunken ass on the bar stool right behind me. However, I'm determined not to let him bother me, so I just keep my back towards him and continue to chat with my girlfriends - I'll just ignore him. 

This theory was working until he...... 

GRABBED MY SUPERHERO ASS!!!!!!! 

(I'm talking full-on-grab.)

I spin around and yell, "Mother f******! Are you kidding me????"  I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed him grabbing my ass, but the only thing people saw was me cursing him out.  And, even as I stood there reading him the Riot Act, nobody stepped in.  I took a quick look around - trying to find my brother, or even the guy that I was kind of interested in, Writer Dude, who was standing at the end of the bar with his friends - too interested in them to notice that I was a damsel in distress!

(Buddy, you just lost points!)

Great, nobody noticed or they ignored it. People just don't care anymore. I'm convinced of this. Fine.

FINE! 

F-I-N-E!!!!!!!

I'm yelling at the guy again, but realize he could care less, and was giving me the "Whaaah?  What did I do?" look. 

*HMPH!*

I turn to my friends, "I'll be right back!"  I made my way down through the crowd towards the front of the bar, frantically looking for my big brother - and then I spot him and yelled, "NATHAN!"

He comes over to me. I'm five-years old again, as I try to explain what just happened.

"And, and, and...then he put his finger in my boob, Nathan!

*sniffle-sniffle* 

"At first, I thought I should just let it go, but then that fucker, I think you know him - maybe he's one of your friends?  Nate, he might be one of your friends. I don't know and I don't care!  He's a fucker! And I'm so pissed off right now!  And, and...Nathan, he grabbed my superhero ass!"

*big lip*

In an instant, I saw my sweet brother turn into a very, very, pissed-off man.  There wasn't any more explanation needed, because he growled, "Where...is...he?!"  I pointed to the area where my friends were standing and then I walked back through the crowd as Nathan followed.

And wouldn't you know, stupid Drunkie was still at the scene of the crime. I looked back at Nathan and pointed at the perpetrator who was about to get...WRATH OF NATHAN!

"That's him!  Right there!"

*pointing* 

Like the Leo that he is, Nathan roared over the crowd, "Matty, you are out of here!  That's my fucking sister you touched! You are out of here!  NOW!"

(Clearly, Matty doesn't know "The Rules")

I stood behind Nathan, trying to stay calm - the bastard apparently couldn't conceptualize the fact that he was being thrown out. He argued a bit, but left without Nathan laying a hand on him.  However! Deep down inside I really wanted Matty see him get tossed out - the hard way!

I was really hoping that jerk would get some of this:

(Nathan, you didn't think I had that picture, did you?!)

Nonetheless, my night was fun. I was trying to fight crime or at least score a drink, and my own brother had to come to my rescue! 

Later that night, via text:

Me:  Thank you for being my super hero tonight and coming to my rescue!

Nathan:  I'm your FB!

Yes he is!