Take That, Miss Neon Big Boobs!

Beth and I are at the West Palm Beach airport in Florida leaving after a fabulous 10-day vacation together.  We were walking around inside the airport, trying to decide where to eat, because we both were starving and had time to kill before our flights took off to go back home.

As I was putting down my bags at a table, a blond girl, who was about 5’4”, caught my eye - actually, she was the size of a gnome, compared my 5'11" frame.  Wait - correction, she didn't catch my eye - you couldn’t miss her!  But, I think that was the point, she had obviously mastered the stripperesque look with her long, blond hair and her tight, neon-pink tank-top with a boob job, so big, that it looked like two massive Macy's Day Parade globular balloons floating right under her chin, (minus the men holding the lead ropes on the ground).  Seriously, she put Pam Anderson to shame...

Amazing! How does a girl decide to have giant-sized watermelons for boobs, without realizing she is limiting herself on her clothes selection for the rest of her life?  I mean, I'm O'natural and I even I get frustrated, because I can't wear button-down shirts anymore.  She must wake up in the morning afternoon and pick between the pink neon spandex tank-top and her lime-green neon tank-top.  Yuck...Spandex...her only option.  I guess her Mamma tell her that synthetics don't breathe and will make her sweat.  Stupid girl. Great choice for summer clothing.

She was indeed a spectacle, and if her main purpose in life was to bring attention to herself, well then, she definitely had succeeded!  Bravo! All she needed was a itsy-bitsy doggie under her arm, and she would have fit right into Pink's video "Stupid Girls."   (Pink, she's another one who definitely wouldn't be running for President...sorry, girl.)

Beth was at the Starbuck's counter checking out their food selection, so I stood by our bags and casually looked around to see if anyone else had noticed Miss Neon Big Boobs.  Actually, everyone had stopped to stare - even the guy sitting across from me had stopped eating, just so he could watch her walk away from her table.

(Remarks in PINK are Beth's editing comments to me - again, too funny to omit.)

When Beth came back to our table, she obviously saw what I had seen, because she didn't even have to say anything - she just gave me a nod. I HAD WHIPLASH, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE I LOVE A SPECTACLE IN NEON SPANDEX...ALWAYS HAVE...ALWAYS WILL.

Here we were, both well-dressed for our flight - conservative, but still meow-meow.  Both of us have agreed in the past that it's important to dress age-appropriate and elegant, but still keep a little edge.  After all, you never know who you might at the airport...or anywhere, for that matter!

*DING!*

Speaking of...this is a true story!  I was flying from Nashville to Los Angeles.  It was summer time, so I decided to wear my pretty, navy-blue, A-lined dress that was very Jackie O.  I even wore black, over-sized sunglasses.  I definitely stood out - but in the right way.  (My grandmother would have been proud.)

Ok, so maybe my dress was a tinsy bit tighter and probably shorter - but the girls were covered!

I board the plane, say hello to the flight attendants, and sashay myself down the aisle, only to find, sitting next to my window seat, a very large, over-weight man trying to squeeze himself into the middle seat. Geeze! Just my luck!  This is going to be a long flight...

By the time I had arranged my giraffe legs around my bag in front of me, and clicked my seat-belt together, I noticed a male flight attendant handing me a folded napkin.  I took the napkin, and without saying anything to me, he walked away.

I gave the man sitting next to me an uncomfortable smile, not knowing what was going on. Slowly, I opened the napkin, which read, "3A."

It took a few minutes for it to register in my head what "3A" meant.  Then it finally dawned on me.  Holy crap!  There is a God!  Sweet Jesus, I just got upgraded to first class!

Gloating over my change of luck, I was hard not to wave the napkin over my head and scream at the top of my lungs, like I had just won the lottery. Instead, I tried as best I could to contain my excitement and turned to the man sitting next to me, I happily announced, "Excuse me, sir, I'm in the wrong seat!"

Flying first class was fabulous.  I had plenty of room, and I drank for free.  The cutie-pie flight attendant kept me company the whole flight and he even sent me home with a bottle of wine!  All that because I put effort into dressing like a lady...with an edge, of course!

*DING!*

“Her parents must be really proud,” Beth says.  Everyone around us had noticed Miss Neon Big Boobs. To make matters worse, she was holding a stuffed animal and her back-pack had “Playboy” on it.  Yes indeed, her parents must be really proud. UNLESS HER MOM IS SOON TO BE ONE OF THE "HOUSEWIVES OF WEST PALM BEACH"...THEN SHE WOULD BE HAPPY!

Disgusted, Beth and I walk up to the short line at Starbucks and, as I was reading the menu up on the bulletin board, the 60-something year-old man standing in front of us turned around to look at us.  First, he looked at Beth and then he looked at me.

“Be still my beating heart.”

"Oh my gosh!  Thank you, so much.  That was very sweet of you to say."  Totally surprised at this gentleman's words, I turned to Beth with a big smile on my face - she just smiled back at me.  He just proved our point.

I could tell he was caught up in his own thoughts.  Maybe he was remembering a time when women still cared about their appearance and men sought after them for their beauty and grace - a time that seemed to be long gone these days...

As he grabbed his items off the counter and turned to us again, his last words were, "The perfect picture of elegance."

At that moment, I felt my grandmother smiling down at me from Heaven, and I knew my parents would have been proud. SCORE A WIN FOR THE NATURAL FIBER GIRLS...AND "THE GIRLS" IN NATURAL FIBER...ALWAYS IN STYLE!

(I love this video - Pink is my hero for writing this song!!!)

Just Call Me Angela!

It's St. Patrick's Day, and my very first time venturing out to a bar to celebrate the holiday - I know, and here I am Irish as the day is long! 

I'm in New Hampshire for a family visit, so I decided to go into my favorite bar The Shaskeen!  

I'm feeling good; I've got my kelly green sweater on and I'm wearing my uber-sexy, kitty-kitty, meow-meow boots with my jeans tucked into them.  I always get complimented on those boots, plus they make me about 6'2".  It's hard to miss me in a crowd!  And, they definitely put a little swagger back into my walk.

*MEOW!*

Seeing this was my first St. Patrick's Day going to a bar, I wasn't quite sure exactly what to expect but at 4:30pm, as I was trying to park my car, I began to notice a lot of people already doing the bar crawl dressed in their green outfits and staggering drunk.  I thought better them, than me!

I walk into the bar alone knowing that at some point I would probably bump into someone I knew. And, just as expected, right when I walk in I spot my cousin, Kristin, and her boyfriend.  We chat up a storm and who comes in next, but my Auntie Holly and Uncle Dave. I'm so deliriously happy to see them...and I'm drinking beer!!!

Next, my cousin, Lizzie, walks over to me and gives me a big hug.  It was surreal, because we had been trying to meet up with each other for the last a couple years, but the timing was always off.  It's a long story, but this was our first time meeting each other - ever!

Somehow, the hours were flying by. Alcohol, I have learned, makes me a little chatty and fiery - if that's possible.  I'm really enjoying myself, and over-joyed to be hanging with my family.  They rock!

At one point, I remember a tall guy joining our little gathering at the corner of the bar.  I didn't really notice him at first, and I can't remember if I was introduced to him or not, but from the looks of it, he apparently knew my cousin, Kristen.  My feet were getting tired, so I decided to take a little break and sit down.

Sipping my beer (I was well onto my 2nd pint!) and listening to a conversation that Uncle Dave was having with the two guys sitting next to us, my Auntie Holly comes over to me all excited and wide-eyed.

"Carrie....Carrie!  Don't you know who that is?" she said pointing to the guy talking to Kristen.

I lean to my left and looked around my aunt's shoulder to get a better look.


"Uhm...no..I don't recognize him.  Should I?"

"You don't recognize him? Carrie! You don't recognize him?"

I look at my auntie with a blank look on my face, "Seriously, I don't recognize him."

"Carrie!  It's Rugby Dude!  You know...Rugby Dude who ate off your plate?!"

In my slight beer fog, it finally dawned on me exactly who this tall good-looking guy was talking to Kristen.

"Holy crap! That's Rugby Dude???" My auntie's face lit up as she vigorously nodded her head in agreement.

I immediately stood up, practically pushed my auntie aside, and strutted my 6'2" self on over to Rugby Dude, interrupted his conversation with Kristen and proclaimed, "Now I remember you!"

Like a deer-in-the-headlights, Rugby Dude looked at me and then over to my aunt, "Did she just have to remind you who I was...because, look, I'm really sorry about that night.  I was really drunk..."

Oh, he was drunk that night alright!  

It was three years ago...

I was out with my friend, Lisa, who I had not seen in 10 years or so.  I was excited to catch up with her over dinner at The Wild Rover.  Nathan, my brother, was the bartender there that night, so I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone.

Lisa and I sat in the restaurant area of the bar. We both ordered the pumpkin ravioli, which I had been craving all week. I was starving, so when the waitress came by with our food, I was ready to eat!  I put my napkin in my lap and looked up to find a tall, good-looking, sweaty guy standing at our table.  I think I remember saying hello to him and then giving him a look like can I help you?  He was staring at my scrumptious plate of pumpkin ravioli and then took it upon himself to help himself to one of the ravioli's!  With his hand!

"Seriously?!"  

I pushed the plate towards him, "Honey, you can have the whole thing."  

At the time, I didn't know, or care, who he was and clearly, he didn't know who I was. But it didn't matter who I was - rude is rude!

"Really?" as he chewed my food.

"Really. It's all yours," I said sarcastically.

As he walked away with my plate, my attention went back to Lisa who was sitting across from me in shock.  

Trust me, it took all I had not to chase after him, grab my pumpkin ravioli and dump it all over his head. And then, top it all off by giving him my best flying elbow. 

Fortunately for him that stupid thing in my head called my conscience chimed in and reminded me that I didn't want to known around town as "Nate's sister - who clocked a guy for eating off her plate."

Although, it did have a nice ring to it...

Instead, I thought it would be best to let my big brother do my dirty work for me.   

*DING!*

If you want to be treated like a lady, you have to act like one. 

*DING! DING!*

Instead of clobbering dude, I let Nathan handle it. Oh, and believe me, he wasn't happy when I told him what had just happened because, apparently, that "dude" was one of the rugby guys that frequented the bar all the time and his team brought in a lot of business.

I knew that wasn't going to matter to Nathan.  Because "sister" trumps "rugby player,"  Someone was about to get kicked out!

Fast forward to St. Patrick's Day three years later...

"You're the guy who ate off my plate!"

"Did your aunt just tell you who I am?"

Nodding my head up and down and staring at him with fire in my eyes I said, "Oh, yes she did!  I didn't recognize you.  You looked different back then.  Your hair was shorter and blonder, and you were looking like a sweaty, hot mess that night."

"Listen, I'm really sorry about that night.  I didn't know who you were, and I guess that was my way of flirting with you."

"Flirting? I'm surprised that that you even remember that night because you were tanked!  You didn't even have your shoes on.  And, you were in a bar!"

"It was my birthday, and we had just won a game...I was drunk, but I do remember everything."

"Yes you were!  Nathan was so angry with you!  I've only seen him that angry twice in my life.  Once, was Halloween, when someone grabbed my super-hero ass, and the other time was when you ate off my plate!"

Rugby Dude got kicked out immediately that night. He said that he felt so bad about the incident that he didn't show his face in the bar for a month.

Big whoop.  A whole month?  Hell, if he really felt that bad it should have been for at least six months...


Rugby Dude seemed like a nice guy while we were talking, but the whole time I kept hearing my auntie's voice in my head reminding me that he was a bad boy and to stay away from him.  She would know because not only did he go out with Kristen a few times, but also one of Kristen's friends - and the rumor was...he was not a nice guy to date.  So, I was all set - I didn't even have the desire to entertain the thought of going out with him until I, at one point, in our conversation, touched his arm and all reasonable and responsible thoughts went out of my head!

*ZING!*

Instead, they were replaced with the thought that maybe the Dating Gods had answered my prayers!  Underneath those clothes, I imagined his body was similar to my dream boat, Alexander Scarsgard...

*SWOON!*

At 8:00pm, my friend Rachel walked in and my family left.  As they were leaving, Aunt Holly gave me another warning to stay away from Rugby Dude.  I smiled and assured her that I would.

Now, let me give you a little back-ground on Miss Rachel.  Rachel eats men up and spits them out and then wipes her feet on whatever is left of them.  And guys love it. She is a professional at verbal lashings and ball busting - so I figured that maybe Rugby Dude just needed someone more like Rachel to put him in his place. I immediately introduce them.  

Shaking her hand he looks at me and asked, "Does she know, too?"

"Of course she does!"  I said with a big smile on my face.

The evening carried on and Rachel and I had a great time talking and flirting with the other patrons at the bar.  But it was obvious that the both of us had the hots for Rugby Dude.

I have to hand it to Rachel - if a guy is a dirt bag they'd better watch out, because she will treat them like the piece of sh*t they are, and have no qualms about it.  I was secretly hoping that Rugby Dude would go for Rachel and take the heat off of me.  Nathan was bartending and watching me talk to Rugby Dude.  I had been drinking, so even though I knew he was a bad boy, and I got specific instruction to stay away from him, I was definitely feeling attracted to him.  How could I not?  He was my type - minus the bad boy part, of course.  He was about 6'3, handsome, clean cut, athletic and wearing a button down shirt and slacks like he just came from the office.  Oh, and he was from Texas and still had a bit of an accent...and you know what they say about guys from Texas!

*starts to purr* 

But then, I remembered the most important thing of all:  The Rules!  

Specifically, Rule #2 - Nathan and I do not date each others friends.  (Dammit!)  that rule really isn't fair, because he is like the mayor - he knows everyone in town.


Then, I noticed Rugby Dude and Rachel talking on the other side of the bar.  I thought for sure I now wouldn't have to worry about the rules or fight off the lusty thoughts I was starting to have for him!  That worked until Rachel came back over to where I was standing at the bar.  She was laughing hysterically.

"You are not going to believe this!  He thought your name was Angela!  Oh, my God! He was talking the whole time about Angela and I was like, who? And he said, you know, Nathan's sister.  And I said, you mean, CARRIE?!  Girl, it was so funny, because then he asked if I was going to tell you he got your name wrong, and I said, oh definitely!"

I told you she was a ball-buster.

(Again, Beth is my proofreader - she occasionally leaves funny comments in pink caps - they were too funny to delete.)

Boys! Are they that clueless? Do they really think that they can act and treat women however they want to without any repercussions?  Clearly, he was really loaded that night he ate off my plate because there's drunk...and then there's tanked!  (STICKY FINGERS IN A STRANGERS FOOD....EWWWW!) On top of that, then he's got a really bad reputation with women per my auntie, cousin and big brother - (FAMILY CONSENSUS!)  (AND...THE ICING ON HIS CAKE...IF HE REALLY GAVE A DINGDANGDOODLE ABOUT ANY OF THE ABOVE, HE'D KNOW YOUR NAME...IT WOULD BE BLAZED INTO HIS GREY MATTER...RIGHT ALONG WITH HIS FAVORITE MOVIE LINE AND THE SIZE OF NATHAN'S FIST.)  Did my name really escape him?  Really?  A class act, I tell you!

 

LESSON LEARNED:  Handsome as hell, does not trump train-wreck.

NEXT!!!!!

DC Dude: Part 5 - "Where Is Your Heart?"

(continued from DC Dude: Part 4)

I had just come back from a 3-day date with Beef Cake.  We had just met for the first time after a successful six-week courtship - everyone was rooting for him, including myself, and here I was texting DC Dude.  

I thought for sure I would be going straight to Hell for this one... 

It happened to be a Sunday and, after years of being single, Sundays had always been the hardest day of the week for me.  I always felt Sunday should be spent lounging around in bed all day long with someone you love - getting up only to have coffee, read the paper, or go meet up with friends for brunch.

And, guess who I imagined doing this with...I hate to break the news, but it wasn't Beef Cake.  His "BMD" (baby mama drama) killed any, and all, attraction I had for him.  The truth was, I missed DC Dude.  His last text to me read, "We need a weekend together.  Miss ya." I couldn't believe my eyes when I read it, but Beef Cake was in the picture, so I ignored DC Dude's text.  (Well, I was a little miffed at the fact that DC Dude's track record was to show up and then leave me hanging.  We'd be in contact for a few days then nothing for weeks.  That didn't work for me.)

Now with DC Dude in my mind, I stood there in the kitchen wallowing in my own thoughts.  I couldn't ignore the giant, pink elephant standing in the room, anymore.  It was Sunday, I was alone.

If you want the same, do the same.  If you want different, then do different.

I scrolled through my messages until I found DC Dude's last text he had sent weeks before and re-read it again. I figured I had nothing to lose, and everything to gain.  Before I could change my mind, I had quickly typed up a text and sent it to him.

DC Dude:  17-day time delay.  LOL.  Nice!  :)

Carrie:  Oh, stop it.  Your track record is far worse!!!  :)

DC Dude:  Justified.

Carrie:  Priorities.

DC Dude:  Kiss my ass, priorities.  You miss me.  Admit it. 

Damn him...that...prick!  Yes, I missed him.

But instead of being honest I, instead, decided to play it cool.

Carrie:  Think of you, yes.  Miss you...?

DC Dude:  LMAO.  You're full of positivity this morning...

Carrie:  What?!  I'm Positive F*cking Pollyanna....kiss my foot.

DC Dude:  Rather kiss your you-know-what.  For hours.  :)

He was too quick to turn it to a sexual subject: Typical guy.  Well, Beef Cake had to work for that.  He put in his time and made me feel secure.   I knew he wasn't going anywhere - unlike Mr. "Disappearing Act" DC Dude.  The last time I saw DC Dude was in September.  It was now February!

February, that's five...f-i-v-e...months later. 

October...


November...


December...


January...


February...

The last time I had spoken to him was in December.  Again, it's now February!

To me, that's sending mixed signals.  I knew he liked me, but why was it so hard for him to keep in touch?

I had to put things in perspective...

Carrie:  Our priorities are different.  I can't understand yours, and you can't understand mine.  Simple.

DC Dude:  OK.

OK?

Carrie:  Don't take my bluntness as being negative, please.  I just have a firm grip on reality.  I'm nobody's "after thought."  You should know that...c'mon.

DC Dude: OK.

He was pissing me off.  I get an "OK," again?  This was a guy who was very charismatic and who could sell paint off a wall, and he didn't have anything more to say other than just "OK"?  

That's crap!

Carrie:  We both know I deserve better - more.  As for you, and I say this from a loving place, because I care about you - you get what you give.  It's not a slam.  I just think your expectations are off...at least with me they are.  And lastly...texting?????  Really?  Priorities.

DC Dude:  OK

Speechless, pissed, irritated...it was useless...

And then, while I'm trying to not lose it, who chimes in?

BEEF CAKE:  Hi, Kitten!  I'm cleaning the downstairs and I just wanted you to know that, as I go about my day, whatever I might be doing, you are very close to my thoughts.  :)

Why couldn't DC Dude just be more like Beef Cake? 

Why couldn't Beef Cake be more like DC Dude?

Hmmmm...if I could only combine the two guys into one...

I felt that DC Dude didn't leave me anything to work with, and I didn't own a crowbar to break through his wall, so I went about my day, and tried to forget about him, and how very frustrated he made me feel.  

Five hours later, even after discussing the whole thing with Beth, I was still feeling frustrated with DC Dude.  I decided to not holding back anymore and I was going to go for broke.

And, not in the nice way...

Carrie:  See?  I don't even know who you are anymore.  You easily shut down.  No discourse.  The guy I remembered clearly doesn't exist anymore.  And yes, I do miss him.

DC Dude:  What?  I just don't give a shit.  You're right.

Carrie:  There is no more friendship.  It faded a long time ago because we didn't build on the foundation of what we started.  You dropped off.  We are left with two people who are attracted to each other, and that's it.  I'm 40.  Not some 20-something year old girl who gets excited whenever a guy pays attention to me.

DC Dude:  I'm 35.

Carrie:  Why you have kept coming around is beyond me.  If you are looking for a hook-up, you should fish in local waters.

DC Dude:  You live 4 states away.  That's a bit ridiculous for a simple hook-up.  Please spare me.

Carrie:  I liked you for all the right reasons, and I just get treated like an after thought.  It's unacceptable, and really I expected better from you.  You don't get it, because, if you did, you would have done better by me.  I deserve better.

DC Dude:  OK.  You're right.

Carrie:  Then what?!  What do you want?????

I sat there in Red Rocket, parked in front of Home Depot, freezing my ass off...waiting...waiting for him to finally say something - to say anything.

Say something!

But, he didn't.

*Big lip*

Why is this so difficult?!

I couldn't do it anymore.  He had to know he just couldn't randomly pop up out of nowhere and expect that I would greet him with open arms.  This is not OK. We had been doing this for over a year now.   

How could he not know that every time he disappeared, it hurt my feelings?     

I had to bite the bullet, and just do what was right for me.

Carrie:  If you don't have the ability to say it; if you can't be an adult and just be honest with me, and most of all, be the guy I deserve, then please just leave me the FUCK alone!!

DC Dude:  OK.

Why couldn't he just step up?  

Why couldn't he just say what we both already knew?  

*grabs tissue and dry eyes* 

DC Dude: Part 3 - Just When I Gave Up, He Showed Up!

It’s 12:30am on Wednesday night - September 8th.  My phone rings and wakes me up out of a dead sleep. I roll over and grab my phone off the night stand - taking in a deep breath, I’m thinking to myself this better be important.

I read the caller ID with one eye - too tired to open both eyes.

Caller ID:  DC Dude.

Immediately, my other eye opened so it could verify what the other eye just saw. Holy crap – it’s DC Dude!

In the middle of the night?!

Mother!!!

I’m staring at the name on my caller ID. My mind is blank – still fin a fog from being woken up at 12:15am. I try to decide if I should answer it or not. I haven’t heard from DC Dude in weeks – so typical. And, just when I’ve got him out of my head again, what happens? He contacts me again.

My phone is still ringing.

This is not funny.

Seriously, God...I’m not laughing.

Who is DC Dude ? We met on Match from Hell.  We clicked and wanted to meet each other, so we planned a 3-day weekend together in Georgetown where he lived.  I get there, we toured the monuments and walked in the snow hand-in-hand during a beautiful snow storm.  But, during the course of  the weekend, he became distant. It wasn't until Sunday that he finally told me there was a great possibility that he was losing his job and his mind had been elsewhere – well, at least that’s the reason he gave me. I left that Sunday afternoon feeling  defeated and  just wanting to crawl under a rock because without a job he said there would be no "us."  I was crushed.

A week later he officially lost his job and I was hoping we would stay close friends, but that didn't happen.  Instead, we would talk randomly - I would get excited to hear from him again and then weeks or months would go by without anything.  He usually would pop up right when I finally had stopped thinking about him. It was difficult because I really wanted to see him again, but after several months I gave up and started to date other people.

Remember Architect Dude….and how about K9 Cop?! There have been a few other people in between, but I kept thinking about DC Dude and how effortlessly it was with him.

From February until July, I didn't hear anything from him until he started texting me again in July. We went back-and-forth with the texting, and eventually spoke on the phone. I really wanted to see him so I invite him to the Catskills for a weekend, but the invitation went unclaimed.

As usual, I stopped hearing from him. Frustrated and disappointed, I pushed him out of my head - only to cave in a week later.

Red Rocket 2.0

It was a beautiful summer morning, and I was driving into work with my Phoenix CD blaring in Red Rocket.  The music makes me happy and makes me drive fast (Red Rocket loves going fast), but it also reminds me of the person who told me about the band in the first place.

Damn him.  So, I caved in and shot him a text when I got into work.

Carrie: Good morning!

DC Dude: Good morning!

DC Dude: “DC Dude”?!? LMFAO!!!! :)

Carrie: Are you reading my blog???!!!!!

DC Dude: Yep. Reading the K-9 thing.....glad I didn't piss you off! However, I have not checked to verify if any character degradation has been blogged in the last 7 months!

DC Dude: I'm going in reverse through them. I'm in February now......

Carrie: You need to read them in order! One blends into the other.

DC Dude: I got no credit for the Stephen King book! Damn!

Carrie: I thought I did give you credit!

DC Dude: LMFAO!!!! I love this shit.

Carrie: Glad you like it.

DC Dude: LMAO...Plenty of white trash!!!!

Then he eventually got to the one I wrote about him.....

DC Dude: I did in fact lose my job a week later (Dec 20). After I compiled a market report for the company and disclosed my contacts. Thank you. :)

DC Dude: But you were right. I should have kept focus on you after driving 250 miles. I apologize. That was a wonderful weekend.

DC Dude: You're writing better now than before! Nice progression, good work! Keep it up!

I sat there at my desk, staring at his text. Holy crap, he just apologized to me. I had just been validated; it wasn't me - it was him.  I felt my head getting hot, and my emotions starting to surface again, even after I had successfully kept them in the lock-down position.

I put my phone away and tried to focus work.  But, then I heard my phone ring; it was DC Dude again. I answered it with a smile on my face because I could here him laughing on the other end, "I just read your blog, so now I know how much you hate texting, so I thought I'd better call instead!"

Smart man.

As my luck would have it, I had to cut our conversation short, because the commotion in my office had begun. We agreed that we would continue the conversation later.

When I got home from work, I tried calling him, but all I got was his voice mail. I tried to reach out to him over the next few days, but I didn't get a response. I was getting frustrated again…

Maybe I'll try to call him one more time…

*BIFF!*

(That was the imaginary hand hitting me up-side my head.)

Ouch!

Right on queue, the Evil Voice of Reason inside my head starts laughing at me and says, "Okay, Carrie, enough! Get your head out of the clouds, He's Just Not That Into You!!!
You read the book. You saw the movie.

HELLLLLLOOOOO!!!!!

Get your head together, sister! You know the drill! Snap out of it, and stop day-dreaming! He’s stubborn, he’s uncommunicative, and he’s not interested in being your friend. Don’t waste the pretty, and move on! You know the rules: You get what you give, and you ain't getting nothing!”

And that's why I laid there in bed utterly in shock,listening to my phone ring while I stared at my caller ID.

Seriously, I just got him out of my head - again!

C'mon!

Finally, I answer it.

Sounding much more awake and perkier than I was, I heard that familiar deep voice, sexy voice I always loved, “Hey, where did you say you lived again?”

Really? In the middle of the night he wants clarification on where I live?!

“Well, I’m on the road that you live on right now – next to the college. You’re near the college, right?  How far away are you?”

Yes, I’m next to the college….why….what?  Holy crap!

I try to clear my groggy voice, “What are you doing here?”

He tells me that he just came up to help his friend, Stevie, move his parents out of their house, which happened to be literally up the street from me.

DC Dude said that as they were approaching their exit he thought the name looked familiar.  (Well, he had sent me a Christmas card right before we met, but that was nine months ago!)

“So, you’re telling me that you are up the street from me right now, right next to the college? Oh my God, you are so close!"  I started getting excited at the prospect of seeing him again, "Start walking!  Head down the hill, and I will meet you in my driveway!”

Panicking, I throw my clothes on, brush my teeth and try not to look like such a hot mess.

My head is swirling with thoughts and emotions - mostly emotions...

How did this happen?!  He lives 250 miles away!  This is so random!

I get a text and I let out a laugh.

DC Dude: “Soooooo……..DC Dude shows up outta nowheres!”

I laugh. He knows me so well and, damn right, this night will be blogged!

We meet in the driveway of my townhouse complex. The last time I had seen him was in December when we had two feet of snow all around us, and now it was a beautiful fall evening in September, still warm enough for me to wear sandals and a skirt.

As he makes his way towards me up the driveway, he approaches and I say to him, “I don’t know if I should hit you, or hug you.”

(I decided a hug was more appropriate, and lady-like.)

It was an embrace that was long overdue, and a kiss I had been longing for. That moment had been a long-time and coming for the both of us - that I can say with 110% certainty. It just felt right to be in his arms again.

We walked into my house, stopped in the kitchen for a little make-out session, and again a long hug - which he held me for a while, gently rocking me back-and-forth.

We climbed my spiral staircase into my bedroom together. He put his duffel bag on the floor and slowly looked around. I sat on the bed and watched him look at the photographs on my walls. Most of them were from the days when I did a little modeling.

“You used to model?” After few moments of looking bewildered he said, “How come you never got married?”

I don’t know if I even replied to his question or not, but several sarcastic comments did cross my mind, plus the list of reasons I could have given him was just too long to recite – after all, we only had so much time together.

After some more small talk, I had to get my digs in for not staying in touch all these months and never calling - and never taking my calls.

"Carrie, I hate texting. Call me instead.”

Ya, okay, I already tried that and that didn’t work either, fucker. We argued whether or not I had called him, and somehow we got back to his apology again.

“I wanted to say it to your face this time - an apology should be in person.”

I think at that point, I stopped breathing and just stood there looking at him sitting on my bed.

It’s easier for me to get over you when you are the bad guy. Stop being a good guy right now and stop apologizing. That stuff actually hits home with me, so just quit it. Tomorrow you will leave and you will be the bad guy again. There – see? I can do this. Bad guys always leave...

We crawled into bed together. I couldn’t remember when the last time I had shaved my legs - never mind that the Princess was completely o'natural these days, but I didn’t care. Nothing mattered. I just wanted him to hold me in his arms for the rest of the night. I just wanted to feel his naked body against mine.

The following morning we woke up with our legs and arms still entwined around each other. I remember smiling softly withe my arms around him, and thinking there’s a boy in my bed! And it’s DC Dude!

Hell, I thought I had a better chance at winning the lottery than ever seeing him again.

But, there he was, next to me - and we didn’t even have sex. What’s wrong with me?! He tried, he offered, but I just wasn’t in that head space, and he didn’t push it. Condoms were right next to the bed, all ready to go, but dealing with the emotions that surfaced when after finally seeing him again after nine long months there was just too much going on in my head.

For me, sex is something that has to be built up. In this day and age, I probably could be sleeping around like everyone else, but I’m just not built like that. It’s just never been my style. Besides, having a few hours to talk and actually see him was more important to me than anything else. Anyone can have sex, but not everyone can just lay there in bed and feel a connection. I was content just laying there next to him.

(For the record, my friend, Beth, and I argued that "celibate" means no sexual contact, but Dictionary.com gives a meaning of “no sexual intercourse.”So, I’m going with what the dictionary says and, Beth, I’m still celibate!)

The following morning, I wanted to just lay in bed with him, but I knew I had to go to work and he had to go help move furniture, so I got up, showered and got ready for work. DC Dude had checked in with Stevie, and he and his parents invited us to join them for breakfast at one of the local diners. I made a call into boss #1 and told him I was going to be late.

Breakfast was nice, but afterward there was no long good-bye between me and DC Dude. I don’t even know if I looked him in the eyes when I left. I just remember throwing my arms around him and giving him a quick kiss. That was it. Had Stevie’s parents not been there, it probably would have been different because there were so many things I wanted to say, and yet I couldn’t say anything. What was the point?  I had retreated back into my shell knowing the inevitable was going to happen - he was leaving and things would go right back to where they were before he showed up. He wouldn't be calling, and neither would I.

It has taken me two weeks to get this blog finished. Yes, two weeks...along with a half a box of Kleenex, 2.5 bottles of red wine, repeated plays of Adele, The Billygoats, Alison Krauss, Patty Griffin, Shelby Lynne, 10 sticks of Nag Champa, one accidental deletion  of this blog and four complete rewrites to get to this finished.

Maybe, if I wasn’t having my period I could have made it a little funnier.

I'm usually a lot funnier!

Maybe, if it had been someone else, anyone else, besides DC Dude...this wouldn't have been such a big deal.

I feel better now that I've got it all off my chest.  My head is back in the right space.  I'm taking my brother's advice, and look!  My dance card is already starting to fill up again. It's out of my hands. Life goes on. I have faith in God...

....and I'm taking my girl, Patty Griffin's, advice too...that here's beauty in just letting go...

Crazy things have always happened to me – the unexplainable, the weird circumstances that just fall into place. To say the least, it definitely has made my life interesting. I may not always understand it, or agree with it, and sometimes the biggest hurts, ironically, turn out to be the biggest blessings. But no matter what they have always renewed my faith in God.  Life goes on and the crazy, unexplainable things will keep happening…

...like the night DC Dude showed up out of nowheres....

~Carrie

Today is my birthday - I'll cry happy tears if I want to!

This is supposed to be a milestone birthday, so today, I want to say something from my heart.

I FEEL SO RICH AND BLESSED!  How did I get so lucky?  I have the best support system of friends and family a girl could ever ask for. I'm so happy, I could burst!

So, on my birthday, I want to than all my friends and family who have helped shape and mold the person I have become today, as you all have helped me grow spiritually and mentally.

It's funny how we are all completely different - different personalities, looks, marital status - some live far, some live nearby - but it never matters, because we make the friendship work, no matter what.

You make it easy to be your friend.  No matter if it's been seven years since the last time I saw you, or seven days since we last spoke.  We always just pick up where we left off.  There's never any drama.  No blame-game.  We all understand that we all have busy lives and the only thing that's usually said is, "God, I've missed you."

You've all been my undying support team - through the good, the bad and the ugly.  Always laughing with me and never at me - never judging, just listening....well....wait.  Sometimes there is a stern, cold, hard slap of reality thrown in there, but usually it's a ear that just is there to listen, or a should to cry on, or a diplomatic point-of-view given.  Whatever the circumstance are, the advice has always been solid and thought-provoking.  And, when your advice has been exhausted or we come to a moot point, y'all know just the right moment to pour me a Jack & Coke...or Ginger, with your all-knowing smile and assurance on your face.

You bring so much to the table.  Your character, your wit, your intelligence, your inside and outside beauty, your humor, your dedication to our friendship, your integrity, your loyalty.  You share great common qualities that I deeply admire.  And, I'm so proud to call each one of you my friend. 

I'm blessed, because you are not jealous of each other.  It's all about the love.  Some of you have never met, but yet, you feel like you know each other already.  And, most importantly, you all want to meet each other - THAT means a lot to me.

So, on my birthday....this is my wish:  For all my girlfriends to meet, and hopefully it will be very soon.  (And it better not be at my *bleep* funeral! I'll be pissed!)

It took me 40 years to find all y'all...and today, I just wanted to tell you how much I love you, and really cherish your unfathomable love.  

Thank you for making my life so sweet.......

*Grabs tissue and blows nose*

Help! I'm Living in a Williams & Sonoma Catalog!

I live with two gay men, Julio and Anthony. They are both in their early 30’s.  (No, they are not a couple.) We all live in this very large townhouse that Anthony owns. It works out well, mainly because we hardly see each other!

Living here has its perks. The townhouse is nicely decorated and kept in immaculate condition. Sometimes, though, I do feel like I'm living inside a Williams & Sonoma catalog. Everything kept perfectly in place - neat and tidy.

"Neat and tidy" might not give you the over-all picture of what it's like to live here, so let me give you an example. Our kitchen sink has three nozzles:  The goose-neck faucet, soap dispenser and hose.  Every morning when I come downstairs to make coffee, EACH nozzle is facing perfectly forward.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate considerate roommates, but this.....!  And, now I'm doing it!  Whenever I'm done with the sink, I make sure everything is facing forward....yep....

...I've become Julie Roberts in the movie "Sleeping With the Enemy," minus the verbal and physical abuse, of course.

Here's another example: It used to freak me out when the tissue I put in my bathroom waste paper basket, would be gone the following morning. This didn’t happen just once, it’s EVERY day.

Even the labels in the pantry are all facing forward........I'm just saying!

I do like living here, however, every once in a while I do hear Anthony and Julio get into a cat fight, usually before they start to watch American Idol in the living room. It’s never cute, so I close my bedroom door and shut them out. Fifteen minutes into the show, they act as if nothing ever happened between them, and I hear, “Oh my God, that’s so FIERCE!!!” coming from the living room...over and over.  Whatever, it comes with the territory of living with gay men, apparently.

So, the other day, Anthony asked me to do him a favor. He has just accepted a new job and they were sending him an overnight letter, and could I forward it to him in Florida where he was on vacation.

“Sure,” I said. “I will just take it into work with me, slap on a label and give it to the UPS driver when he comes. He’s scheduled to come every day. It’s not a problem, just text me your address in Florida.”

Easy, right? Wrong.

Not only did he ask our neighbor (who is retired) across the street to come retrieve the Letter Express from our stoop (so it wouldn’t get stolen), but the moment after the neighbor rang my doorbell and handed me the package, my roommate was calling me to make sure that the neighbor came by to drop it off. 

For the record, I have had SEVERAL packages, boxes left at our front door without incident. Obviously, he doesn’t trust anyone, but, I’m thinking, at least he’s thorough!

The next day, I bring in his package to work, print out a label, and leave it for the UPS driver. It goes out, and I text my roommate the tracking number. There, done!

The following day…..I get this:

ANTHONY: Received well. Thanks for opening it.

CARRIE: Huh? I didn’t open it. Just slapped a label on it and sent it out…

ANTHONY: Someone opened it. Maybe Julio, or someone at your job.

CARRIE: No. It was sealed when I sent it.

CARRIE:  Again, I ask you to watch how you word your texts to me. I did you a favor. There’s no need to be bitchy with me.

ANTHONY: No one is mad. It’s ok. I was just saying that’s how it came. Maybe UPS did it.

I don’t bother to reply…I was a bit miffed with his attitude.

ANTHONY: I appreciate all your help. I’m sorry if the text came off that way. Don’t think I’m bitchy. Now, I notice the tape was never removed anyway.

Am I asking too much?  What happened to, "Hey, Carrie!  Thank you, I got the package today.  By chance to you open it?"  And now he's telling me that the letter wasn't opened after all. Whoever sent it, wanted to ensure that the seal was strong enough for the large amount of contents they put in it, so they reinforced it with packing tape.

Trust me, that will be the last favor I do for him!  My own girlfriends don't even bitch and whine like this!

Here's to my girlfriends for not being bitchy and whiney!!!!!

The Infamous Holiday Text

2010 - Easter Sunday

So, here it is, Easter. I’m at Barnes & Nobles happily browsing a table of new gardening books. I flipped through about five of them, but settled on this one:

1001 Hints & Tips for Your Garden: An A-to-Z Guide for Solving Almost Every Garden Problem

I was happier than a pig in poop with my purchase and I could hardly wait to get it home to read it.  My phone vibrates. I reach into my bag, grab my phone and read the text::

The Noocher: Happy Easter.

Those of you who know me, know full well who this person is – and those of you who don’t, I’m pretty confident that at one point, every girl has had one of these guys in her life. He’s the guy that just won't go away - just like a bad habit, he keeps resurfacing.  No matter how much time goes by.  No matter how many times you’ve told him you are not interested, he still calls.  These guys are either stupid or they are hoping that enough time has gone by that you forget why you dumped them in the first place. 

When it comes to this particular guy, trust me, I’ve ignored his texts/calls and he still doesn't get the hint! Last summer, I even lied and told him I had a boyfriend.  He left me alone...but here he is, again, nine months later. God!  What an idiot!

I've always had suspicions about him, but after exchanging emails and phone calls with his ex-girlfriend - she found his name I posted on  http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/ - I knew this was my opportunity to call him out on his sh*t!

Screw it.

CARRIE: You know what…you never brought back those CD’s you took from my roommate, Debbie…so I guess that makes you thief. Not surprising though, especially after the conversation I had with your ex-girlfriend. She confirmed all my suspicions that I had about you. Do me a favor and lose my number. I don’t associate with thieves.  Please delete my phone number.

THE NOOCHER: No one cares about you and your bitter ass. Not married, now or ever. You will have loads of cats.

CARRIE: Happy Easter to you, too, and thanks to you, your ex-girlfriend and I are now friends. She’s a lot like me:  Too good for you.

THE NOOCHER: It was a bulk email. I’m in love with a strong woman who loves me. I don’t want the drama.

*ROLLS EYES* 

Carrie: Great! Delete! Delete! Delete! Writing back to me means you are not deleting my number! Don't make have to go and change it...

So far, not a word from him...so I think the coast is clear. However, I thought that last summer, too, didn't I?

And the time before that....

And that time before that....

And the time before that…..

Dammit, I think I might have to change my number.