DC Dude: Part 6

(Continued from DC Dude: Part 5)

Did you really think that the last blog on DC Dude would be the last?

Well, it's not  - clearly, because here I am...writing...part SIX!

After spending hours writing Part 5, I realized that I had left no room for discourse with DC Dude - I just went at him.  I wasn't asking questions - I just assumed I knew everything and started blasting him.  I came to this realization after writing and re-writing the blog. After I was done editing it, I sounded like a crazy, bitter girl, which I am not. I was just frustrated with his lack of communication.  

I felt horrible for the tone I had used.  Where was the kind, loving girl that my grandmother had raised me to be?  I had no idea what was going on in his world and what did I have to lose by reaching out to him with an apology and telling him how I really felt?  My gut was telling me to go for it.

Carrie:  As hard as I try...

Carrie:  I can't stop thinking about you.  That's the truth.  Yes, I miss you.  And, I shouldn't have come across the way I did - I hope you can understand why - I was just so frustrated with you.

DC Dude:  Good.  Think of you as well.  Forgiven.

Carrie:  LOL...I haven't apologized yet!

Carrie:  I know I should be calling you rather than texting, but I have a hard time actually saying things sometimes.  Scary for me... So I'm going to be a chicken shit and just text you, OK?  First, is this a good time or are you busy?

DC Dude:  Ya ya.  OK.

Carrie:  ...and crappy signal at my mom's house!  Ya!  That's it!  That's why I have to text!

DC Dude:  OK #2

Carrie:  Great...now there's an awful feeling in my stomach and I'm drawing a blank...

DC Dude:  Ugh.  Try counting backwards from 50 to 0.

Carrie:  Hell, I think I'm going to barf.  Watery mouth, etc. ...NO!  Dammit.  I can do this *mumbles expletive*

DC Dude:  The word is "FUCK."

Carrie:  Yes, that "F" word that I try not to use..thank you very much...

Carrie:  There are some things that I'm very confident about...and then there are some things that I'm not.  You have thrown me off so many times, but I keep coming back to what my gut tells me...  For me, to like you on any level is hard, because I feel that you have already rejected me once...and who the "F" does that?

Carrie:  50, 49, 48, 47, 46, 45....

Carrie:  44, 43, 42...

DC Dude:  Enough.

Carrie:  This doesn't work - this counting thing.

DC Dude:  Hell no.

Carrie:  OK, you really need to work on elaborating and use longer sentences.  Using just one or two words can easily be misconstrued.

DC Dude:  Then call.

So I did, and we ended up talking for over an hour.  I finally got it off my chest about how I really felt about him, and that I didn't believe that our September run-in was a coincidence.  I told him that I wasn't looking for meaningless sex; I wanted intimacy. And, in order to have intimacy, I needed chemistry, which I felt that I had with him. I missed him, and our conversations.  And finally, I said I didn't think it was fair to try to date other guys, when I knew I was stuck on him. I proposed that we start over.  

He was definitely surprised at my phone call, because, if you remember, the last thing I said to him was to leave me the *bleep* alone.   At the end of our conversation he told me he would seriously think about everything I had said.  I had read Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus before, so I figured he just needed to go into his cave and think about things, although it wasn't the reply I was hoping for.

In my mind, and in my heart, I just wanted to come clean.  I just needed to know - was there real chemistry between us or not?  I knew I wasn't going to find out unless I gave it my best shot and that I laid out all my cards.  I wanted to follow my own advice about getting what you give.  I knew we weren't going to get anywhere unless I showed him I was willing to put some effort in.

After our talk, I switched up my game plan. I started texting less, and calling more. If I wanted to talk to him, I didn't wait for his call; I called him.  I noticed our conversations slowly started to flow again.  He shared with me that after almost a year of struggling financially, he was finally back on his feet again because he had started a new company.  I was genuinely happy for him.

At the end of April, we made plans to see each other. We would do a long weekend together:Thursday to Monday.

But, it seemed as though as soon as I booked my flight, he stopped calling and stopped returning my texts.  Never a good sign.  

Two weeks before my trip, I called to touch base.  He answered the phone and said he was on vacation with his father in Florida.  Oh, really?!  That was news to me. He was standing at a loud bar in the middle of the day and we couldn't hear each other very well, so he said he would call me later in the week.  Really?  Later in the week?  It was only Friday afternoon....

Again, not a good sign.

The week came and went and guess what? No call from DC Dude.  This was not looking good, but I was determined to just keep even-keeled and not jump to conclusions. 


Ten days later, and just a few days before I was scheduled to fly down to see him, I called DC Dude to make sure we were still on. He answered my call sounding flustered and said he would call me back later, as he was walking into church (at 2:00pm on a Monday afternoon?).

And hour later I get this text:

3:07pm

DC Dude:  Carrie, I just can't do it this week dear.  Too much going on right now.  My apologies.

Carrie:  And you tell me this in a text?

DC Dude:  With people right now.

I couldn't believe it. Yes, I was disappointed that he had to cancel, but he said this to me in a text?  He had time to go to church, but didn't have time to make a two minute call to me?  That would have been the right thing to do, because it had been 10 days since I last heard from him!

4:08pm

Carrie:  We need to talk about this.  What time is good for you?

He didn't reply and, at that point, all I can say is thank God for girlfriends, because reality was coming crashing down on me, and fast.  Thankfully, when I got his text I just so happened to be on the phone with Beth.  She always had a way of putting things in perspective, "A guy that really likes you Carrie, would at least have the decency to call you."

Right after I hung up with Beth, Brigitte called and invited me over for dinner.  It was perfect timing, and exactly what I needed at that moment: Baby-time with Graeson, a home-cooked meal and Martinis!

How cute is Graeson?!

Around 9:00pm I checked my cell phone and DC Dude still had not responded.  

Carrie:  I'm not going to assume anything, but I can speak for myself:  That hurt.  A lot.  There was a time when you were really excited about me.  I don't know what happened, but you have lost it, which is OK - except we have been carrying on now for almost 1.5 years.  I said how I felt about you.  If you don't feel the same - that's OK.  But, the right thing would have been to not lead me on - like I said before, I was into you for all the right reasons and put my best foot forward with an open heart.  If you like me, well, you just don't show it.  And, by canceling on me via text...well that's just crap - I deserve at least a phone call.  You don't have to say anything - because you already said it, by not calling and not returning my texts for well over a week now.  I can't do this.  I thought you would at least be honest with me and give me the courtesy of calling.  I deserved at least that.

DC Dude:  Hey drama queen.  Hold the bullshit until I'm done working!  Jesus, I just got back from being away with my father in FL for 11 days!!!!  AFTER a hellacious 5 months creating this company.  Goddammit get off yourself and realize I WAS being honest.  HOLY SHIT - RELAX and be patient, please.

Oh. My. God.  Did he just call me a drama queen and tell me to get over myself?  MYSELF?  I haven't heard from him in 10 days...and he's telling me to get over myself? 

Myself?!

For a minute, I was Tom Hanks in "The Money Pit"...

Wow, he really knew how to nurture a relationship!  Clearly, he was callous with my feelings...

Carrie:  Get over myself?  Drama queen?  Really?  Wow...this just keeps getting better with you.

DC Dude:  Yes, because you know me better.  Just be understanding and patient, please.  I had to miss a meeting in NC this afternoon b/c I was so damn busy I could not leave.

Carrie:  You don't talk to me. You don't call me.  You don't return my texts...what do you expect?  I'm not a mind reader and I'm not there to see what is going on.  I can be patient.  I think I have been patient.  I don't think I have asked for too much from you - just common courtesy and honesty.  You were away on vacation for 11 days and you didn't call me once.  And then you cancel?  Tell me, what am I supposed to think?

Again, he didn't reply.

It was getting late, I said good-bye to Graeson and Brigitte and drove home listening to Kings of Leon - on full blast no less. I was pissed.  I was hurt.  I was done being patient, and giving him the benefit of the doubt.  Where was the consideration for my feelings?

I asked myself if my brother, Nathan, would be OK with DC Dude treating me this way? I knew the answer: "Hell, no!"  Again, it wasn't the fact that DC Dude was canceling on me...it was how he handled himself that spoke volumes.  No guy who cared about me would go on vacation for 11 days without wanting to talk to me. I didn't even know he was going on vacation!

Where was the reassurance that everything was OK with us? Something was up and I assumed it was fear-based, which prevented him from understanding how his in-actions were hurting my feelings...again!  If this was a taste of how things were yet to come, if this was how he handled himself in stressful times, then I wanted out. Not only was the writing on the wall, but it was lit up in neon lights just like Time Square on New Year's Eve! 

It was time.

10:25pm

Carrie:  Look, I know you "like" me, but I'm "in like" with you, which is far beyond the definition of just "like."  Call me a drama queen, but really if you were dying to see me you would have made it happen.  I don't know what your deal is...this all sounds like excuses to me.  So, I call bullshit.  I think you are just fucking afraid.  A-F-R-A-I-D, mother fucker! (swearing intentional!) That's the truth...I just needed YOU to say it.

10:45pm

Carrie:  *raising middle finger*  And that's for making me cry.  I'm done. 

I didn't hear anything back from DC Dude that night, but Nathan chimed in via text while I was in the middle of my melt-down.

Nathan:  So, DC Dude blew you off?  Men.  Can't live with 'em.  Can't perform complicated brain surgery replacing 64.5% of the brain and replacing it with a programmable chip.

Carrie:  He apologized and asked me to be patient.  Really?  What does that mean?  He was just on vacation for 11 days and didn't call me.  WTH?  Don't you think I deserve better?  I mean, even The Senator treats me better than that.  When The Senator picks me up, he comes to the door.  And when he drops me off, he always asks if he can walk me to the door...and DC Dude can't even call me to say he has to cancel?

Nathan:  Sounds bad.  If you want the answer to the question of what do I think?  If he was dying to be with you, he would show it.  He's not showing it.  Also, the chase, Carrie!  You gotta think of the chase!  Don't make yourself so available.

Carrie:  I did for the last YEAR!  That didn't work either...and if someone has to play games, then they are only in it for the games.  I want something REAL.

Nathan:  Ya gotta act like every guy means pretty much nothing until he does a back-flip off a 60-story building with flowers and chocolates in his hands.  They are not games. Just sorting out the weak.  You wanna mate with the lions, not the cubs.

Carrie:  The weak play games.  The strong are honest with their feelings.  I put mine out on the table a month ago!  Screw him if he can't deal.  He was a lot like MG...  Maybe that was a red flag right there.

Nathan:  Yip.  Could be!

Carrie:  They can both suck it for making me cry!  Boys suck, Nathan.

Nathan:  Yup.  They do.

Carrie:  That selfish prick doesn't even acknowledge my feelings AND he made me cry? Oh, I don't think so!  I'm so done with him!

NEXT!!!

And what was I supposed to do with a canceled R/T ticket to DC?  Exchange it for a 10-day trip to Florida with Beth, of course!!!!!

And, the hopeless romantic in me says that love isn't supposed to be this difficult! Love isn't supposed to leave me hanging or guessing. Love is supposed to make me feel confident - and DC Dude...well, we all know how he made me feel.

At least Keith knows how to love someone...

Nicknaming the Dating Contestants

I don't know about you, but it seems as though I've had a lot of dates over the years.  It's not like I'm some sort of serial dater, who has a date every night of the week, or even every week for that matter.  It's just that I've been single for a while (which seems like forever), so it feels like there have been a lot of guys...or as I call them, "dating contestants."

My dating life can be very much up-and-down.  One minute, I'm going through a dry spell, and then all of a sudden it's raining men.  Literally!

Too many guys at one time is not good for Carrie.  Yes, I know, you're probably thinking I have men lined up for every night of the week, but give me more than one guy to date at a time, and I get over-whelmed.  And I even get a little anxious! It's silly, and I don't know where it comes from, but that's how I get.  Lord knows that most women would love that kind of attention, but not me - because I'm not most women. (Just please don't tell anyone.)

So, since I have been single, the upside of it is that I have lots of juicy stories for my girlfriends.  They love hearing about my dating disasters - I'm just glad that something positive is coming out of it!  And the way I feel about it, if it entertains my girlfriends and makes good blogging material, then so be it. I guess it's the payoff I get for having all those callous boys hurt my feeling. But, I'll live.  I like to think that it's a learning experience - for all of us.

I usually don't get to see my girlfriends all of the time, so sometimes they get the stories and guys mixed up. It never fails, I'll be mid-sentence, giving an update, and someone will say, "I'm sorry, which guy is this you're talking about?"

Which guy?

Let's face it, nobody remembered Chris, Michael, Kevin, Tom, John or James.  It's a problem, and because I found myself constantly repeating how I met a guy, his stats, and how our first date went over and over...I had to come up with something.  I was tired of repeating myself. So, I started using nicknames.

Nicknames!  What a brilliant idea! I mean who could forget names like these?

Hockey Boy

Harvard Scorpio

The Marine

Lenny Kravitz

Cousin Vinny

K9 Cop

Undercover Brother

Crooked-Dick Darryl

The Architect

 

The Noocher

Anaconda Dick

The Senator

The Guy from Survivor

The Sociopath

Conan O'Brien

The Swedish Psychologist

The Good Doctor

Power of Now Guy

 

DC Dude

6'7"

Mortgage Guy

Beef Cake

(This is horrible to say, but please don't ever ask me what their real names are, because I don't remember most of them!  Oops!)

When dating, here's an interesting rule to keep in mind...

You don't name the puppy unless you plan on keeping it.

I have to give credit to my dear friend, Becky, who told me about that concept.  She's smart like that. Beautiful, funny and smart.

In Becky's book, naming the puppy before you are ready to keep him is apparently a big no-no. Think about it, because she is right.  Why would I use a boy's real name and confuse all my girlfriends if I'm not sure if I'm going to keep him?

Would you bring a guy home to meet your parents, if you weren't serious about him? Well, it's the same concept.

And, God forbid, you date more than one Michael, like I did.  Then you are *bleep*! You wanna to see some confusion?!  Date a guy who has a common name!

"Hey, did you you get back together?"

"I thought he was a jerk - you're dating him again?!"

You get the picture...

Nicknames are the way to go, and trust me, it works. No longer do my girlfriends get confused who is who anymore.  Everyone is happy.  No more confusion.

*DING!*

And no, the boys do not know their nicknames, well, except Undercover Brother, DC Dude and The Senator.  Those names are harmless and rather flattering...unlike Crooked Dick Darryl's nickname.

Well, it was crooked and shaped like a summer squash.

Nicknames have worked thus far, but I do foresee a problem in the future when I finally do decide to "name the puppy" and bring him home to meet the Hen House. I can just see it now.  One of the chicks will probably end up saying, "I'm sorry, I know all about you, but I just don't remember your name.  What was it again?"

*smacks head*

But, until I cross that bridge - let the nicknaming continue!

~Carrie

DC Dude: Part 5 - "Where Is Your Heart?"

(continued from DC Dude: Part 4)

I had just come back from a 3-day date with Beef Cake.  We had just met for the first time after a successful six-week courtship - everyone was rooting for him, including myself, and here I was texting DC Dude.  

I thought for sure I would be going straight to Hell for this one... 

It happened to be a Sunday and, after years of being single, Sundays had always been the hardest day of the week for me.  I always felt Sunday should be spent lounging around in bed all day long with someone you love - getting up only to have coffee, read the paper, or go meet up with friends for brunch.

And, guess who I imagined doing this with...I hate to break the news, but it wasn't Beef Cake.  His "BMD" (baby mama drama) killed any, and all, attraction I had for him.  The truth was, I missed DC Dude.  His last text to me read, "We need a weekend together.  Miss ya." I couldn't believe my eyes when I read it, but Beef Cake was in the picture, so I ignored DC Dude's text.  (Well, I was a little miffed at the fact that DC Dude's track record was to show up and then leave me hanging.  We'd be in contact for a few days then nothing for weeks.  That didn't work for me.)

Now with DC Dude in my mind, I stood there in the kitchen wallowing in my own thoughts.  I couldn't ignore the giant, pink elephant standing in the room, anymore.  It was Sunday, I was alone.

If you want the same, do the same.  If you want different, then do different.

I scrolled through my messages until I found DC Dude's last text he had sent weeks before and re-read it again. I figured I had nothing to lose, and everything to gain.  Before I could change my mind, I had quickly typed up a text and sent it to him.

DC Dude:  17-day time delay.  LOL.  Nice!  :)

Carrie:  Oh, stop it.  Your track record is far worse!!!  :)

DC Dude:  Justified.

Carrie:  Priorities.

DC Dude:  Kiss my ass, priorities.  You miss me.  Admit it. 

Damn him...that...prick!  Yes, I missed him.

But instead of being honest I, instead, decided to play it cool.

Carrie:  Think of you, yes.  Miss you...?

DC Dude:  LMAO.  You're full of positivity this morning...

Carrie:  What?!  I'm Positive F*cking Pollyanna....kiss my foot.

DC Dude:  Rather kiss your you-know-what.  For hours.  :)

He was too quick to turn it to a sexual subject: Typical guy.  Well, Beef Cake had to work for that.  He put in his time and made me feel secure.   I knew he wasn't going anywhere - unlike Mr. "Disappearing Act" DC Dude.  The last time I saw DC Dude was in September.  It was now February!

February, that's five...f-i-v-e...months later. 

October...


November...


December...


January...


February...

The last time I had spoken to him was in December.  Again, it's now February!

To me, that's sending mixed signals.  I knew he liked me, but why was it so hard for him to keep in touch?

I had to put things in perspective...

Carrie:  Our priorities are different.  I can't understand yours, and you can't understand mine.  Simple.

DC Dude:  OK.

OK?

Carrie:  Don't take my bluntness as being negative, please.  I just have a firm grip on reality.  I'm nobody's "after thought."  You should know that...c'mon.

DC Dude: OK.

He was pissing me off.  I get an "OK," again?  This was a guy who was very charismatic and who could sell paint off a wall, and he didn't have anything more to say other than just "OK"?  

That's crap!

Carrie:  We both know I deserve better - more.  As for you, and I say this from a loving place, because I care about you - you get what you give.  It's not a slam.  I just think your expectations are off...at least with me they are.  And lastly...texting?????  Really?  Priorities.

DC Dude:  OK

Speechless, pissed, irritated...it was useless...

And then, while I'm trying to not lose it, who chimes in?

BEEF CAKE:  Hi, Kitten!  I'm cleaning the downstairs and I just wanted you to know that, as I go about my day, whatever I might be doing, you are very close to my thoughts.  :)

Why couldn't DC Dude just be more like Beef Cake? 

Why couldn't Beef Cake be more like DC Dude?

Hmmmm...if I could only combine the two guys into one...

I felt that DC Dude didn't leave me anything to work with, and I didn't own a crowbar to break through his wall, so I went about my day, and tried to forget about him, and how very frustrated he made me feel.  

Five hours later, even after discussing the whole thing with Beth, I was still feeling frustrated with DC Dude.  I decided to not holding back anymore and I was going to go for broke.

And, not in the nice way...

Carrie:  See?  I don't even know who you are anymore.  You easily shut down.  No discourse.  The guy I remembered clearly doesn't exist anymore.  And yes, I do miss him.

DC Dude:  What?  I just don't give a shit.  You're right.

Carrie:  There is no more friendship.  It faded a long time ago because we didn't build on the foundation of what we started.  You dropped off.  We are left with two people who are attracted to each other, and that's it.  I'm 40.  Not some 20-something year old girl who gets excited whenever a guy pays attention to me.

DC Dude:  I'm 35.

Carrie:  Why you have kept coming around is beyond me.  If you are looking for a hook-up, you should fish in local waters.

DC Dude:  You live 4 states away.  That's a bit ridiculous for a simple hook-up.  Please spare me.

Carrie:  I liked you for all the right reasons, and I just get treated like an after thought.  It's unacceptable, and really I expected better from you.  You don't get it, because, if you did, you would have done better by me.  I deserve better.

DC Dude:  OK.  You're right.

Carrie:  Then what?!  What do you want?????

I sat there in Red Rocket, parked in front of Home Depot, freezing my ass off...waiting...waiting for him to finally say something - to say anything.

Say something!

But, he didn't.

*Big lip*

Why is this so difficult?!

I couldn't do it anymore.  He had to know he just couldn't randomly pop up out of nowhere and expect that I would greet him with open arms.  This is not OK. We had been doing this for over a year now.   

How could he not know that every time he disappeared, it hurt my feelings?     

I had to bite the bullet, and just do what was right for me.

Carrie:  If you don't have the ability to say it; if you can't be an adult and just be honest with me, and most of all, be the guy I deserve, then please just leave me the FUCK alone!!

DC Dude:  OK.

Why couldn't he just step up?  

Why couldn't he just say what we both already knew?  

*grabs tissue and dry eyes* 

Beef Cake: Part 2 / DC Dude: Part 4

(Continued from Beef Cake: Part 1)

It was a beautiful day, driving towards the Berkshire Mountains.  The sun was out and the sky was crystal clear – not a cloud anywhere.   Everything looked pristine.  The sun was really warm and bright, hanging high in the sky - so much that I even cracked open Red Rocket's sunroof.  Snow was still on the ground and blanketed the rolling hills that seemed to go on forever; it was truly a perfect day.

I’m nervous – nervous and anxious.  The butterflies in my stomach that had been there for the past three days have now managed to flutter up into my throat. My emotions are over-load, with too many thoughts  running through my head.

Doubt and fear of being disappointed, once again, have made it's way into  my head.  Have I trumped up this image of Beef Cake in my head?  Am I getting my hopes up too high?  I’ve seen his pictures, I’ve spent hours on the phone with him, but something is bothering me.  I’ve seen this scenario before…I’m scared this won’t work.  Is he too good to be true – or am I just over analyzing it?

Over the last few years, I have become very conscious of who I let into my life. I'm not going to go for someone who doesn't get me, and I certainly am not going to date someone simply to have someone in my life.  Being single isn't all that bad, and I'd rather be single than date someone who is not right for me.  I'm certain of that, so I’m trying to go for the right guy – Beef Cake treats me the way I deserve to be treated. 

I’m determined to keep my eye on the prize. I’ve done everything right.  I’m taking my time, I’m staying focused. So then why, in God’s name, am I thinking about the texts I received two weeks ago from someone else?!

I’m clutching the steering wheel with both hands out of frustration.  I swear ,I need my head examined.  I'm a horrible person for letting my thoughts stray.  I'm about to meet Beef Cake for the first time and yet here I am thinking about texts that I deliberately ignored...

Damn you, DC Dude!  You have horrible timing.

What’s wrong with me?  More importantly, what’s wrong with DC Dude?  It’s February and we are still doing this!!  We are still playing this stupid cat-and-mouse game.  We are pathetic!  I'm pathetic! He let nine months go by before DC Dude decided to show up out of nowhere and ended up spending a night together. I'm pretty sure he was just as surprised as I was that his friend's parents he agreed to help move lived up the street from me.

Yes, you read that right.  DC Dude lives 250 miles away in Washington, DC and he ends up a half mile away from my house.  Literally.  Up the street.

Coincidence? 

My intuition says, "no."

He shows up in the middle of the night, and we were so happy to see each other, but then what does he do?  

He disappears....again! 

No call.

No text.

No nothing.

Like Becky says, that’s bad form!  Thank God I didn't have sex with him, because it would have made me feel like I was being used for a hook-up.

*crowd boo's*

And so my intuition was right.  I felt bad I didn't hear from him, but I would have felt worse had I given up my "Penis Free" status that night.

And, to continue on with the dysfunction that we are so good at (yes, I do take some of the blame) three weeks before his birthday I was wondering if I should call him on his birthday or not. His birthday was at the beginning of December and it would be a good excuse to contact him.  He was on my brain.

Do I call?

Do I not call?
 

Do I call?

Do I not call? 

Birthdays are special – show him you care.  Don’t text, just call.  You would want him to call you on your birthday.

So, I called and he answered saying, “I was just recently thinking about you.”

It was good to hear his voice again.  (I always loved the sound of his deep, masculine voice.)  We spoke for ten minutes and from there the conversations continued for about a week and a half; some by text, some by phone, but in the end I got the same result:

He disappeared...again.

And, again...I stopped trying.

I'm discouraged, disgusted, disappointed, sad and tired. It shouldn't be this difficult. So, I inquired with a few  of the chicks in the Hen House that best know me, and they agreed that I was still hung up on DC Dude because ...and I quote..."He's the guy you can’t have...and you always like a challenge, Carrie.”

*blink-blink*

I like a guy that intrigues me….there’s a difference you know between a “challenge” and “intrigue.”  One is a lot healthier than the other, no?  I said it a long time ago, I’ll say it again, I need someone who has a little swagger.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.  Besides, there are  definitely a few other guys that I couldn’t have (I know, hard to believe), but I never got hung up on them like this.

Jesus, I just admitted that I’m still hung up on DC Dude.

Mother...

What’s wrong with this picture?! Here I am on my way to meet wonderful Mr. Beef Cake, and I’m thinking about Mr. “Disappearing Act” DC Dude.   I

DC Dude and I, clearly, have unfinished business, and it just frustrates the snot out of me!!!  I know this is life, but I just want to know could we work or not?  But, how can I work with someone who doesn’t communicate with me anymore…and furthermore, do I want someone who disappears into his shell when the doggie poop hits the fan?

*makes mental note and subtracts 25 points*

Only one person is allowed to hide in their shell when things go bad, and that’s me!

So even though I've done my best to move on and invest my time in someone who is willing to put in the effort into a relationship, I couldn't help but to think of the last text...

DC Dude:  We need a weekend together.  Miss ya.

Somebody shoot me, please!  I swear he’s trying to torture me.  Why does DC Dude do this?  

Ignore!  

Ignore!

Someone, please tell me, is this an innate thing that guys have or, is it in a guy’s handbook somewhere that tells you exactly when to disappear and then reappear at the EXACT right moment to drive the tall, red head nutty? I really don’t get it.  Why?  Why now?  No, DC Dude…you don’t get to chime in like that.  You want to see me and you miss me and you say this in a text?

Don't I at least deserve a phone call?  Beef Cake calls all the time...I’m sticking with Beef Cake!

Both hands are still firmly on the steering wheel.  I’m cruising along in 6^th gear through the rolling hills  trying to swallow the butterflies, which are still insisting on flying up into my throat.  I remind myself that I'm about to meet Beef Cake for the first time, but my mind is flip-flopping.  On one hand, I have the wonderful Mr. Beef Cake, and on the other, I have DC Dude still lingering in my head.  It's so wrong, so I reach over to turn up the music hoping to drown out the thoughts in my head. 

We are meeting Beef Cake – you CANNOT be thinking of DC Dude right now!

The drive seems to take forever.  I just need to know.  Is it Beef Cake, or not?  My gut pipes in and I hear it say, “Just enjoy the next three days."

Great! It’s never a good sign when your gut isn’t even giving you encouraging words.  Fine, I’m just going to go with it.  I’m Zen, dammit.  ZEN! 

Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…….

Over the last couple of weeks there had been a slow, progressive build-up of sexual tension between me and Beef Cake.  Our conversations were all kept “PG,” but it did come up eventually how long it had been since we both had nookie.  I thought I had gone a long time, but he had gone even longer.  Once we had that conversation, talking about sex was no longer off the table.  We  joked about how obvious it was that people on Plenty of Crap just used the website to hook-up, and we were  both determined not be that couple.

So then why did we book a hotel room for the next three days?!

*crowd gasps*

Yes, I had come to terms with the fact that, if it felt right with Beef Cake, I was willing to bid adieu to my Penis Free status.  Beef Cake was wonderful.  I had found someone who I was attracted to, inside and out, and most important, he was being that guy that I deserved.  We had started a nice friendship, and being the gentleman that he was, he had assured me that whatever happened over the course of the three days, there were no sexual expectations on his part, and he would be happy to just spend time with me.

I finally got to our hotel and park Red Rocket in the parking lot, took a deep breath and sent Beef Cake a text:  “I’m here.”

Beef Cake came out of the front doors and we walked towards each other with a smile on our faces - we were both laughing. He walked up to me and wrapped me in his arms and gave me a big hug.  FINALLY!

(If you have never been in this situation before, then it’s hard to explain how it feels meeting someone for the first time after corresponding with them for a long time.  I knew him, but I didn’t.  It was a little awkward.)

Hand-in-hand we walked inside together and when he opened the door to our candle-lit room, inside was a big, beautiful, pink bouquet of flowers.  “Oh my God, you got me flowers!”

 (My camera on my phone obviously doesn't take good photos, but the flowers were beautiful!)

We sat down on the couch and he handed me a pretty white bag filled with two more boxes of tea, a few more candles, and a pair of earrings, lavender body oil, and a pretty heart-shaped bar of lavender soap all from the same boutique he had bought my care package from.  I was on cloud nine - from the candles, to the flowers, to the thoughtful gifts, he had thought of everything. to make this moment special.  It was perfect.  I was happy.  He had really put in a lot of effort to make sure our meeting didn't feel like a hook-up. He was definitely into me.

*crowd applauds*

It was so nice to finally be face-to-face with a guy that had intrigued me for the last six weeks…six weeks, which in reality felt like an eternity!

Before we met, Beef Cake made it crystal clear that he was off the market.  He even deleted his Plenty of Crap profile (which I never did) and told me that I was the only person he was interested in pursuing.  Big points for him, so being with him was really effortless.  I genuinely liked him.

Our first night together was fun. It had been a long time since I could just really enjoy myself without having to worry about what drove a guy's motivation to be with me.  He was just as nervous as I was and before our meeting and I remember him joking, "Sex is just like riding a bike, right?”  Yes, just like riding a bike, Beef Cake.   And, because we had built our relationship on a foundation of friendship and trust, sex was all that much better.

*DINGGGGGGGGG!*

Ah, buh-bye Penis Free status!!!

Beef Cake made himself transparent and emotionally available, on every level .  He was sweet, kind, considerate, attentive and fun.  Things were going great!

Then it happened...and we were only on day two.  I was feeling loved, appreciated and totally comfortable with Beef Cake and thinking this could really work with him…until his ex-girlfriend, who is the mother of his 8-year old daughter, called and reality quickly set in...

Beef Cake had...

*The crowd gasps with fear*

The volume on his cell phone was up, so I could hear everything the ex-girlfriend (of 10 years) was saying - I mean, yelling.  And by the sound of it, man was she pissed off!

He had told me stories, here and there, about her, so I knew she was a nut job.  Yep, I had no doubt that she was a jealous, self-centered, conniving, ignorant, selfish, self-centered, possibly bi-polar twit. 

For example, one day, Beef Cake had shared with me a recent event. His ex-girlfriend asked him to do her a favor  by dropping off her Vicodin prescription at the drug store. She just got home from the Emergency Room for her “tooth ache,” and couldn't manage to get to the drug store herself.   When Beef Cake got to the pharmacy and handed the prescription to the pharmacist, the woman stopped him from leaving citing that the prescription was fraudulent.  Apparently, his ex-girlfriend took it upon herself to change the dosage from a “1” to a “7”, or something along those lines.

In any event, the dosage was greatly increased, and she was willing to throw Beef Cake under the bus in order to get her drugs.

I could hear everything loud and clear.  The ex was definitely yelling at Beef Cake about something. He was trying to stay calm, but I could tell he was agitated and upset, as I watched him pace the room.  I had warned him before, knowing  full-well that she was going to flip  her cork when he said told her he would be going away for a few days without an explanation.  I knew she would eventually catch on that it was to meet me, so I warned Beef Cake that at some point she would be calling with some sort of "emergency" about his daughter.

Beef Cake was trying hard to not make a scene.  He didn't say much because  she was yelling so much, he couldn't even get a word in - and then like the nut job that she is, she hung up on him! Who does that?  And trust me, this was not some 30-something year old twit.  This was coming from a 45-year old twit!

Oh, and it gets better...

The following morning, his 8-year old daughter did the same thing.

Called, yelled at her father and then hung up on him.

And, later that night, his mother - his own mother, did the same thing to him.

Called, yelled and hung up on him.

And much to my chagrin, he took it. 

And each time I witnessed one of them hanging up on him, my heart sank.

I tried to talk to Beef Cake about his situation, trying to point out to him that all three women in his life had no boundaries and were treating him like he was their door mat.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll just deal with it when I get home.”

The following morning, he called his daughter to wish her a good day at school, but he didn't mention the incident, nor did he  ever discuss it when he got home - because naturally, I asked.

I was starting to realize that he was the parent who didn't want to rock the boat with their own child.  Being liked was more important than being respected.  No discipline, because that might upset her - a recipe for disaster. 

I adored Beef Cake, but now I had no respect for him.

Houston, we have a problem...

A few days later, I’m standing in my kitchen making breakfast.  I had been thinking about my little get-away  with Beef Cake in the Berkshires and contemplating everything.

On the radio John Mayer started to sing a song I was very familiar with...and then, my mind started to wander.


Again.

Not caring about the consequences, and just going with my heart, I grabbed my cell phone, took a quick swig of my coffee, scrolled through my texts, until I found the message I received three weeks before, and typed up my response to DC Dude.

Then, without any hesitation, I pushed the send button...

DC Dude: Part 3 - Just When I Gave Up, He Showed Up!

It’s 12:30am on Wednesday night - September 8th.  My phone rings and wakes me up out of a dead sleep. I roll over and grab my phone off the night stand - taking in a deep breath, I’m thinking to myself this better be important.

I read the caller ID with one eye - too tired to open both eyes.

Caller ID:  DC Dude.

Immediately, my other eye opened so it could verify what the other eye just saw. Holy crap – it’s DC Dude!

In the middle of the night?!

Mother!!!

I’m staring at the name on my caller ID. My mind is blank – still fin a fog from being woken up at 12:15am. I try to decide if I should answer it or not. I haven’t heard from DC Dude in weeks – so typical. And, just when I’ve got him out of my head again, what happens? He contacts me again.

My phone is still ringing.

This is not funny.

Seriously, God...I’m not laughing.

Who is DC Dude ? We met on Match from Hell.  We clicked and wanted to meet each other, so we planned a 3-day weekend together in Georgetown where he lived.  I get there, we toured the monuments and walked in the snow hand-in-hand during a beautiful snow storm.  But, during the course of  the weekend, he became distant. It wasn't until Sunday that he finally told me there was a great possibility that he was losing his job and his mind had been elsewhere – well, at least that’s the reason he gave me. I left that Sunday afternoon feeling  defeated and  just wanting to crawl under a rock because without a job he said there would be no "us."  I was crushed.

A week later he officially lost his job and I was hoping we would stay close friends, but that didn't happen.  Instead, we would talk randomly - I would get excited to hear from him again and then weeks or months would go by without anything.  He usually would pop up right when I finally had stopped thinking about him. It was difficult because I really wanted to see him again, but after several months I gave up and started to date other people.

Remember Architect Dude….and how about K9 Cop?! There have been a few other people in between, but I kept thinking about DC Dude and how effortlessly it was with him.

From February until July, I didn't hear anything from him until he started texting me again in July. We went back-and-forth with the texting, and eventually spoke on the phone. I really wanted to see him so I invite him to the Catskills for a weekend, but the invitation went unclaimed.

As usual, I stopped hearing from him. Frustrated and disappointed, I pushed him out of my head - only to cave in a week later.

Red Rocket 2.0

It was a beautiful summer morning, and I was driving into work with my Phoenix CD blaring in Red Rocket.  The music makes me happy and makes me drive fast (Red Rocket loves going fast), but it also reminds me of the person who told me about the band in the first place.

Damn him.  So, I caved in and shot him a text when I got into work.

Carrie: Good morning!

DC Dude: Good morning!

DC Dude: “DC Dude”?!? LMFAO!!!! :)

Carrie: Are you reading my blog???!!!!!

DC Dude: Yep. Reading the K-9 thing.....glad I didn't piss you off! However, I have not checked to verify if any character degradation has been blogged in the last 7 months!

DC Dude: I'm going in reverse through them. I'm in February now......

Carrie: You need to read them in order! One blends into the other.

DC Dude: I got no credit for the Stephen King book! Damn!

Carrie: I thought I did give you credit!

DC Dude: LMFAO!!!! I love this shit.

Carrie: Glad you like it.

DC Dude: LMAO...Plenty of white trash!!!!

Then he eventually got to the one I wrote about him.....

DC Dude: I did in fact lose my job a week later (Dec 20). After I compiled a market report for the company and disclosed my contacts. Thank you. :)

DC Dude: But you were right. I should have kept focus on you after driving 250 miles. I apologize. That was a wonderful weekend.

DC Dude: You're writing better now than before! Nice progression, good work! Keep it up!

I sat there at my desk, staring at his text. Holy crap, he just apologized to me. I had just been validated; it wasn't me - it was him.  I felt my head getting hot, and my emotions starting to surface again, even after I had successfully kept them in the lock-down position.

I put my phone away and tried to focus work.  But, then I heard my phone ring; it was DC Dude again. I answered it with a smile on my face because I could here him laughing on the other end, "I just read your blog, so now I know how much you hate texting, so I thought I'd better call instead!"

Smart man.

As my luck would have it, I had to cut our conversation short, because the commotion in my office had begun. We agreed that we would continue the conversation later.

When I got home from work, I tried calling him, but all I got was his voice mail. I tried to reach out to him over the next few days, but I didn't get a response. I was getting frustrated again…

Maybe I'll try to call him one more time…

*BIFF!*

(That was the imaginary hand hitting me up-side my head.)

Ouch!

Right on queue, the Evil Voice of Reason inside my head starts laughing at me and says, "Okay, Carrie, enough! Get your head out of the clouds, He's Just Not That Into You!!!
You read the book. You saw the movie.

HELLLLLLOOOOO!!!!!

Get your head together, sister! You know the drill! Snap out of it, and stop day-dreaming! He’s stubborn, he’s uncommunicative, and he’s not interested in being your friend. Don’t waste the pretty, and move on! You know the rules: You get what you give, and you ain't getting nothing!”

And that's why I laid there in bed utterly in shock,listening to my phone ring while I stared at my caller ID.

Seriously, I just got him out of my head - again!

C'mon!

Finally, I answer it.

Sounding much more awake and perkier than I was, I heard that familiar deep voice, sexy voice I always loved, “Hey, where did you say you lived again?”

Really? In the middle of the night he wants clarification on where I live?!

“Well, I’m on the road that you live on right now – next to the college. You’re near the college, right?  How far away are you?”

Yes, I’m next to the college….why….what?  Holy crap!

I try to clear my groggy voice, “What are you doing here?”

He tells me that he just came up to help his friend, Stevie, move his parents out of their house, which happened to be literally up the street from me.

DC Dude said that as they were approaching their exit he thought the name looked familiar.  (Well, he had sent me a Christmas card right before we met, but that was nine months ago!)

“So, you’re telling me that you are up the street from me right now, right next to the college? Oh my God, you are so close!"  I started getting excited at the prospect of seeing him again, "Start walking!  Head down the hill, and I will meet you in my driveway!”

Panicking, I throw my clothes on, brush my teeth and try not to look like such a hot mess.

My head is swirling with thoughts and emotions - mostly emotions...

How did this happen?!  He lives 250 miles away!  This is so random!

I get a text and I let out a laugh.

DC Dude: “Soooooo……..DC Dude shows up outta nowheres!”

I laugh. He knows me so well and, damn right, this night will be blogged!

We meet in the driveway of my townhouse complex. The last time I had seen him was in December when we had two feet of snow all around us, and now it was a beautiful fall evening in September, still warm enough for me to wear sandals and a skirt.

As he makes his way towards me up the driveway, he approaches and I say to him, “I don’t know if I should hit you, or hug you.”

(I decided a hug was more appropriate, and lady-like.)

It was an embrace that was long overdue, and a kiss I had been longing for. That moment had been a long-time and coming for the both of us - that I can say with 110% certainty. It just felt right to be in his arms again.

We walked into my house, stopped in the kitchen for a little make-out session, and again a long hug - which he held me for a while, gently rocking me back-and-forth.

We climbed my spiral staircase into my bedroom together. He put his duffel bag on the floor and slowly looked around. I sat on the bed and watched him look at the photographs on my walls. Most of them were from the days when I did a little modeling.

“You used to model?” After few moments of looking bewildered he said, “How come you never got married?”

I don’t know if I even replied to his question or not, but several sarcastic comments did cross my mind, plus the list of reasons I could have given him was just too long to recite – after all, we only had so much time together.

After some more small talk, I had to get my digs in for not staying in touch all these months and never calling - and never taking my calls.

"Carrie, I hate texting. Call me instead.”

Ya, okay, I already tried that and that didn’t work either, fucker. We argued whether or not I had called him, and somehow we got back to his apology again.

“I wanted to say it to your face this time - an apology should be in person.”

I think at that point, I stopped breathing and just stood there looking at him sitting on my bed.

It’s easier for me to get over you when you are the bad guy. Stop being a good guy right now and stop apologizing. That stuff actually hits home with me, so just quit it. Tomorrow you will leave and you will be the bad guy again. There – see? I can do this. Bad guys always leave...

We crawled into bed together. I couldn’t remember when the last time I had shaved my legs - never mind that the Princess was completely o'natural these days, but I didn’t care. Nothing mattered. I just wanted him to hold me in his arms for the rest of the night. I just wanted to feel his naked body against mine.

The following morning we woke up with our legs and arms still entwined around each other. I remember smiling softly withe my arms around him, and thinking there’s a boy in my bed! And it’s DC Dude!

Hell, I thought I had a better chance at winning the lottery than ever seeing him again.

But, there he was, next to me - and we didn’t even have sex. What’s wrong with me?! He tried, he offered, but I just wasn’t in that head space, and he didn’t push it. Condoms were right next to the bed, all ready to go, but dealing with the emotions that surfaced when after finally seeing him again after nine long months there was just too much going on in my head.

For me, sex is something that has to be built up. In this day and age, I probably could be sleeping around like everyone else, but I’m just not built like that. It’s just never been my style. Besides, having a few hours to talk and actually see him was more important to me than anything else. Anyone can have sex, but not everyone can just lay there in bed and feel a connection. I was content just laying there next to him.

(For the record, my friend, Beth, and I argued that "celibate" means no sexual contact, but Dictionary.com gives a meaning of “no sexual intercourse.”So, I’m going with what the dictionary says and, Beth, I’m still celibate!)

The following morning, I wanted to just lay in bed with him, but I knew I had to go to work and he had to go help move furniture, so I got up, showered and got ready for work. DC Dude had checked in with Stevie, and he and his parents invited us to join them for breakfast at one of the local diners. I made a call into boss #1 and told him I was going to be late.

Breakfast was nice, but afterward there was no long good-bye between me and DC Dude. I don’t even know if I looked him in the eyes when I left. I just remember throwing my arms around him and giving him a quick kiss. That was it. Had Stevie’s parents not been there, it probably would have been different because there were so many things I wanted to say, and yet I couldn’t say anything. What was the point?  I had retreated back into my shell knowing the inevitable was going to happen - he was leaving and things would go right back to where they were before he showed up. He wouldn't be calling, and neither would I.

It has taken me two weeks to get this blog finished. Yes, two weeks...along with a half a box of Kleenex, 2.5 bottles of red wine, repeated plays of Adele, The Billygoats, Alison Krauss, Patty Griffin, Shelby Lynne, 10 sticks of Nag Champa, one accidental deletion  of this blog and four complete rewrites to get to this finished.

Maybe, if I wasn’t having my period I could have made it a little funnier.

I'm usually a lot funnier!

Maybe, if it had been someone else, anyone else, besides DC Dude...this wouldn't have been such a big deal.

I feel better now that I've got it all off my chest.  My head is back in the right space.  I'm taking my brother's advice, and look!  My dance card is already starting to fill up again. It's out of my hands. Life goes on. I have faith in God...

....and I'm taking my girl, Patty Griffin's, advice too...that here's beauty in just letting go...

Crazy things have always happened to me – the unexplainable, the weird circumstances that just fall into place. To say the least, it definitely has made my life interesting. I may not always understand it, or agree with it, and sometimes the biggest hurts, ironically, turn out to be the biggest blessings. But no matter what they have always renewed my faith in God.  Life goes on and the crazy, unexplainable things will keep happening…

...like the night DC Dude showed up out of nowheres....

~Carrie