On-Line Dating: Never Boring, Always Entertaining

Oh, the joys of on-line dating!  I've been corresponding with a few people here and there, but it's sh*t like this that takes the cake! 

CARRIE: Thanks for your email. I like what I read in your profile, but why do you only have one photo?

BRANDON: Questioning my age and whether the photo is real or not is understandable - I suppose; but since you seem to have doubts about me already, I don't think we are a good fit. Too bad--you're a gorgeous woman.

What kind of sh*t is that?  A perfect example of a fake profile!  He knew that's where our conversation was leading to and he wouldn't be able to provide anymore photo's of himself. This is the kinda of crap that I have to weed through.

This guy is probably a bored married man, sitting in his office cubicle, hiding behind his fake profile, and looking for some company on-line.  Mother!  Oh, and by the way, he deleted his profile after our last communication - or did he block me?

My friend, Mary, wrote this one:

MARY:  I think you might have winked me twice! I honestly don't usually respond to those who don't have much filled out in their profile - did you know there are fake profiles on here? :) Usually the ones that are that short and don't have much filled out are ones to beware of, but I get the feeling you're not one of them. And by the way, you're quite handsome.

RICH:  Thanks. Don't be so jaded.

Excuse me?  What did he just say?  Prrrrrrrrick!  Mary, I can see the red, warning flag being hoisted up the pole already! 

*salutes*

RICH:  You're already in "defense" mode via your email, which is a turn-off.  Lighten up. No one owes you anything on here.

Lighten up?  Oh, he did not just say that.  He's a "Let-Me-Make-You-Feel-Like-There's-Something-Wrong-With-You," fucker. 

Can I say "fucker" on here?

MARY:  Not jaded, and not really good of you to say that when you don't know me - I'm careful, as a woman should be.  Maybe when you reach my age, you'll understand.

RICH:  Careful of what?

Clearly, he's oblivious AND insensitive.  Tell him, Mary, careful of those pricks like you!

MARY:  You're completely mistaken, and don't tell people to lighten up when you don't know them - you don't know the types of freaks on here that contact me.  My email was fairly sweet and open; it was just explaining why I didn't respond the first time.  Good luck with speaking like that to the women on here, apparently, you need someone who is a bit more naive.

And then she told me she blocked him.  LOVE the "block" option.

If I'm jaded, it's because it's in my GENES!

Am I still single, because I'm somehow jaded?  Or, could it already be pre-programmed in my genes?!  How is it that both me and my brother have never been engaged, never married, and certainly, never had any kids.  

How have we both gone through life having pretty similar relationship experiences and have the same end result?

We are both good-looking, articulate, intelligent, personable, out-going people!  I don't get it. WTH?


Maybe we are both scared?  Is it self-fulfilling proficiencies?

Case and point: A few years ago, when I was living out in Los Angeles, I tried to entice my brother, Nathan, to come join me for a large pot-luck Thanksgiving with all my friends.
 
11-04-2005
Hey there sis.  I am using our new laptop while I am eating lunch at the bar. I love this WiFi stuff.  Not even plugged in anywhere.  I am just so fucking high-tech.

Been thinking about Thanksgiving, and that it would be nice to spend Thanksgiving with you and your friends, but its going to be a real busy week here at the bar.   Plus, my girlfriend's folks have invited Mom and I to dinner that day, which makes me think....if I bring my Mom to meet her Mom.......and we all have dinner together....then what's next?!


Engagement ring

Marriage

Kids

Divorce

Visitation/custody battles

Alcoholism

Psychotherapy

Bankruptcy

Pan-handling the streets

Recovery

Rehabilitation

Paranoia

Obesity

Insane asylums

Suicide attempts

Break outs

Excommunication

Heart failure

Cancer

Brain tumors

...and finally, a retirement community!

Shit! I just might try and find out if I can get a few days off that week and fly out!

Nathan

*Checking watch*

See that???? That was years ago....Nathan's relationship didn't last...and we are both...still...single!

It's gotta be there in the genetic make-up somehow.  I'm certain of it. 

Just Call Me A Date Wrecker

Back in March, I was in NYC meeting one of my New Hampshire girlfriends, Denise, at the ever-so-lovely, Algonquin Hotel.

She and her fiancé, Gary, who lives in London, were having a little weekend rendezvous, and this was my first time meeting him. I was very excited.

That night, I get to The Algonquin Hotel on time, and meet up with Denise in her room.  She tells me that Gary's flight from London is late, so we decide to go downstairs to the bar, and have a cocktail while we waited.

After having our first drink, Denise and I somehow started talking to the couple sitting next to us.  At one point, I told them we were waiting for Denise's fiancé and announce that they had just gotten engaged. Then we asked the couple why they were there at the hotel.  It turned out that they were on their first Match.com date.

I naturally had to chime in about how I felt about Match.com - my horrible luck and that I've been off and on for a few years.

As I'm talking, I notice that this woman's date is staring at me. And, I mean staring.  I do my best to ignore him and keep the conversation going with his date.  I'm fidgeting though, trying to be cool - trying to maintain my composure as best as possible, but he was making it difficult. He wasn't taking his eyes off of me.

I feel weirdness in the air.  I'm trying like Hell to avoid any and all eye-contact with her date. Then the guy interrupts me and says, "Ya, I remember you. I winked at you several times and sent you a few emails, but you never replied back."

Uh-O, someone just turned up the dial on the "Uncomfortable Meter," because now I'm super uncomfortable!

I take a sip of my martini and look up, taking a really good look at him.

Oh, shit. I do recognize him! AWWWWWWW.......HELL! He's one of the guys who has winked and emailed me several times over the years, but I never replied. 

(Maybe he should have read my blog: "No Answer, Is Your Answer.")

I can't even remember if I said anything back to him besides, "Oh, really?" as I felt really bad for his date.  She was just sitting there looking at him, then looking at me, then looking back at him.  Not good.  And certainly not something you would expect on your first date.

I have no idea how this couple's date was going before he made his comments to me, but they left shortly thereafter.


A few weeks after the "Algonquin run-in," I get this:

Maketheleap says:

You totally wrecked my 1st date with someone - I could not keep my eyes away from you ;-)... Do you remember - mid-town west about 3 weeks ago? Match is starting to seem like "through the looking glass," and you just popped up from the rabbit hole. You were with your friend, who was getting married - I said hello because I remembered you - we once exchanged msgs... If you're not careful you can lose your true self with online dating... Well I think my true self would like to meet you... Hope you might be inclined - I'm sure we'd have a lot to talk about. 

Best wishes... Marcus

It was a very nice email he sent to me, but seriously?  I wrecked his date?  I know he was trying to give me a compliment in his email, but at the same time, he could have handled himself a little better in front of his date, and not made it so obvious that he was awestruck with me.

I do wish I felt some sort of "pull" with him, but I don't. Instinctively, I've always felt a creepiness with him - plus, the fact that he's had the same picture up on Match.com, for God knows how long, doesn't give me a warm-and-fuzzy kind of feel from him.  

There was never a spark - he's not my type.  I didn't feel anything when he contacted me long ago and, unfortunately, it didn't change even when he was sitting right in front of me.

This is the part of dating that I hate - the let-down, whether I'm being let down, or I'm causing someone else to be let down...it's all the same.  It still sucks - big time.

*Big sad face*

I've been called a lot of things before, but I guess now I can add to the list, "Date Wrecker." 

------------------------------------------------------

12.04.09  UPDATE!!!!

I'm truly BESIDE MYSELF RIGHT NOW!!!  This stupid story about this guy just keeps going!

So, I'm sitting here with my friend, Beth, who is also an on-line dating veteran, and I'm showing her the ideas I've got for future blogs about dating. We're sitting on the couch together with my laptop on my knee showing her some of the photo's that I've saved from various profiles that would go with my stories. 

As I'm showing her the various photo's, she stops me and points to the picture of Marcus.  I look at her and say, "What?"

She keeps pointing at the photo and looks at me with her eyes bulging.

"Him!"

"Him, who?  What? Yes, that's that guy from the Algonquin Run-In.  You know, the guy who called me the date wrecker.   Well, that's him."

"Oh my God, Carrie.  I dated him - and he was a HUGE womanizer.  Total scum."

WHAT?! You have GOT to be kidding me!  AGAIN?  So, now we've dated two of the same guys before we knew each other!???

See, I knew he was a Mr. Creepy Man!  Jerk!  See, and this is what I'm talking about - for all of my friends who think I'm being too picky and too judgmental and not giving guys a chance, my gut intuition has yet to be wrong!

Normally, I would never post someone's picture, but in this case I think everyone should see what a dirt-bag looks like!

No Answer, Is Your Answer

One of my guy friends who is new to Match.com has complained about how he sends out these nice emails to women he's interested in and he never gets any sort of response.  I tried explaining to him that no answer, is your answer - they simply are not interested in him.  But, he argued that it's rude, that they should at least say something instead of letting him hang there and wonder.


Even though I do appreciate someone's persistence, I have found that whenever I tried to be gracious and sent something like "Thanks for your interest," and end it with, "Good luck with your search," guys always take that as she replied, and now I have my foot in the door.  Guys are idiots, and that's why I've always used the rule, "No answer, is your answer."

Simple.  Easy to remember...so what was I thinking when I replied to this one guy, Dave?!  And, this my friends, is what you get when you try to be nice:

Dave:

I really do appreciate your interest, but I do have personal requirements - as I'm sure you do, too. Let me remind you that I'm 5'11", which would make us the same height. I'm really looking for someone who is taller than me.

Please, *laughing* don't you even DARE say that I'm missing out on some great guys (including yourself) because I've heard it all before....that I'm "limiting" myself.   However, I won't date a guy who is less than 6'1" for the same reason you guys won't date an over-weight girl, because no matter how nice, sweet, good-looking she is, you won't date her because of a physical attribute.

But again, thank you for your interest. :)

Carrie

DAVID1029

8:13pm

OMG! WOW! I am OK with all you have to deal with. I feel bad for you. I really did'nt realize you were an AMAZON :-) The poor guy that gets you needs to worry about more than being 6'1" LMAO! I mean it to I am laughing my ass off :-)

Clearly, I wasn't going to reply to this rude freak.

DAVID1029

8:20pm

The comical thing about your response is you equate a mans height with a fat woman. I mean think about how psychotic that is. DA, you wouldnt date a fat woman nor would I date a 5' 11" man. You are one of my all time favorite idiots I've ever met on match.  I mean it honey I am laughing so f-ing hard right now. Thank you, this was f-ing priceless :-) That poor bastard that gets hooked by you.

 

And I wasn't going to reply to that email either, but he just couldn't let it go!

 

DAVID1029

 

8:23pm

The self consumtion you must have to endure must be tough. As nuts as your statement is about the thought of a man trying to talk you into dating him after your response is laughable.You really a re a bit to self consumed honey. Thank you again for the laugh. I am passing this one around to my buds.

 

And so, there you have it!  Lesson learned in the wonderful world of Match.com: 

 

NO ANSWER, IS YOUR ANSWER!

Like A Moth To The Flame

Mother of God....I've done it again!  Yes, after being on and off Match.com over the last couple of years, and after I SWORE it was a complete waste of time - I joined Match.com, again.   Yes, apparently, I'm a glutton for punishment. 

If you've never had the honor of experiencing on-line dating, consider yourself extremely lucky.  I am convinced that 95% of the men on there have some sort of under-lying issue, personality disorder, ulterior motive or mental dysfunction - or all of the above.

Like most people, I won't date anyone from work - not that I'm even remotely interested in anyone there, but as my brother once said to me about dating, "Don't poop where you eat."  (Well, he didn't say "poop," but you get the idea.)  And, the way I see it, I need a job more than I need a boyfriend.  *sigh*  So that's never been an option.

Another reason why I need a tool like Match.com, is that I don't go out that often, and if I do, I'm with my girlfriends.  When I'm out, I'm there to spend time with my them, and not scout for boys.  Plus, who wants to meet your future honey in a bar?  Maybe I'm limiting myself?

So, what's a girl to do?  I've been single for seven years, and I'm not giving up...so, even though I said last time that I'd rather chew glass than to ever be a part of this crazy, upside down way of meeting someone, here I am - like a moth to the flame - a member of Match.com. 

Again.

God help me.

GOD HELP ME!

You Show Me Yours, I'll Show You Mine

I...really...hate...dating.  

Seriously!  For those of you who think us single girls have it made, because we can date whomever we want, whenever we want, you really need to check out the selection of men we have to choose from.

Sure, there are plenty of guys to "hook-up" with, but who wants that in this day and age of Herpes and HIV?  I sometimes think that I'm the only person who is aware of the STD statistics out there, and trust me, it ain't pretty. We all think that we are safe by using condoms, but not in the case of...

*Insert spooky music here*

Herpes.

Yes, I said H-E-R-P-E-S.....you know that nasty gift that keeps on giving? Who wants that?  

Statistics show that one 1 out of every 4 or 1 out of every 5 people, who get tested, have Herpes and 90% show no symptoms.  

Herpes is a viral, skin-to-skin disease, so even if you are wearing a condom, and he has an outbreak on his groin somewhere, you are going to be S.O.L. And, do you really think the guy at the bar that you just picked up, and who knows he's about to get laid, is really going to care enough about you to tell you that he has Herpes?

Nope!

And, I'm sorry to say this but, I feel guys are clearly oblivious to these facts, or just don't care, because it's on a rare occasion that I meet a guy who tells me he gets routinely tested. 

Rarely!

Women, on the other hand, see their gynecologist once a year for the annual pap smear.  Personally, I also ask to be tested for HIV and Herpes just to play it safe, because I want to enter into my next relationship with a clear conscience, and with no worries.

I have a girlfriend who was in a relationship with a guy for a whole entire year before he discovered he had Herpes.  He had the symptoms, but thought it was just ingrown hairs, and thought nothing of it.  Thankfully, she tested negative.

Then, there was the guy I dated, who's ex-wife had Herpes.  They had been together for ten years, but he was certain he didn't have it because he had never shown any signs or symptoms, and assured me they were always careful.

Really?  You know how this story is going to end...

Trust me, after I picked my jaw up off the ground, I made him get tested, and guess what?  He was positive and, unfortunately, it ended our relationship. Listen, it's not that I couldn't get past the fact that he had Herpes, because I really did like him; it's that I couldn't get past the idea that he was so arrogant and ignorant to think he was immune, even though they were having unprotected sex - all this coming from a smart, educated, successful man!

The last time I was at the gynecologist, my doctor said all my tests came back negative. I asked if I could have that in writing. She wrote out all the STD's out on her RX paper, with "negative" next to each one and signed it.  Believe me, I had that sucker laminated that very day, put it in my purse, and it's been there ever since.  So there, I'm proud to say that I'm freaking certified!!

Wouldn't it be great if that was the norm?  Carrying around your certification...and before we have sex I say,"You show me yours, I'll show you mine."